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Well, I will try to help you, however, keep in mind that I am not a native speaker. Firstly, your introduction seems nice, but the problem in the first pharagraph is with your thesis statement. Regardless of the general idea being related with the question, you should bring to this phrase some word...

Thank you so much about your comment!

Some people say that money may bring unhappiness. Do you agree or disagree and what is your opinion? Over the past few decades, there has been an ongoing debate on whether or not money has brought a sense of happiness to the general public. In my view, although money is not everything, it may be hi...