please comment! I need a band 8 for general training

[Claire3]

More and more qualified people are moving from poor to rich countries to fill vacancies in specialist areas like engineering, computing and medicine.
Some people believe that by encouraging the movement of such people, rich countries are stealing from poor countries. Others feel that this is only part of the natural movement of workers around the world.


It has become clearly visible that more and more people from poor counties are moving to rich countries for better career opportunities. Some have been arguing that such a trend should be portrayed as an action of “stealing” talents by one country to the other while some may disagree with this statement.

One of the most distinctive reasons why people assert the idea of “stealing” presented by the temporary immigration by overseas workers is perhaps the subsequent benefits migration can provide to foreign employees. For example, in Australia, one can apply for his permanent residency if he has undertaken a position in the accounting or nursing sector for a significant number of years. The social advantages including Medicare or wider educational options become undeniably an attractive choice for those who are from a relatively less structured country and such a systematic approach by a government encourages more and more people to leave their homeland.

On the other hand, some have questioned the aforementioned opinion, demonstrating this issue as more of a natural movement with the expansion of the aviation industry. People are now easily able to mobilize globally and it is only natural for them to develop a hope to live their lives better. My neighbour also came to Australia from India as a mining engineer and he has constantly emphasized that it was an “inevitable” choice he made for his family, not a deliberate intention to betray his own country.

In conclusion, it is debatable to label above-mentioned ideas as “stealing” or “a natural movement” because each individual can justify their position with varying reasons. I thus believe the attempts should be made redress the imbalance.

Please comment!

[allen_zhang]

Hi Claire,
I usually get 6 in my writing and my best score ever is just a 7. I am just trying to express my personal understandings, so please do not see it as an offense if I have some negative comments on your essay.

Generally, sorry to say so, my impression on this essay is that it deserves less than 7.
As your target score is an 8, I am expecting a more attractive essay.

The opening is quite dull and unimpressive to me.

In the the first body paragraph, you mentioned about people migrate from India to Australia but I think you should focus on "stealing". I mean when we talk about "stealing", it means the thief gains from it and the victim loses assets. So, if I have to write it, I would focus on something like: India loses educated, skilled workforce and Australia benefits from this. Poor countries raised and educated these talented elites and finally they serve another country.

In the second body paragraph, you mentioned about aviation industry which I believe is not relevant. This is about moving to another country permenantly which doesn't have much to do with mobility.

For the ending, you didn't give a answer and instead sit on the fence. As far as I know, it's not encouraged.

[allen_zhang]

please comment on my version:

National boundaries do not stop people from migrating to another country and it is quite understandable that most immigrants move from a relatively poor nation to a rich one. In the same time, national boundaries do act as a ‘filter’ for immigration because rich countries often set a high bar for people who want to live in their country, which means only those highly qualified workers, specialists and engineers are accepted by them.

Some people criticize that rich countries are stealing ‘talents’ from those poor ones. A perfect example of this is what is happening in the US. During and after the world war II, many talented scientists, researchers, engineers immigrated to the US from all over the world, which help it become the most creative and powerful country in the world. The home countries of these immigrants, on the contrary, suffer from the loss of those elites.

However, some people are of a more positive perspective on this trend and see this as a natural movement. Firstly, they believe that pursuing a better life is a basic right of people and there is no ground for anyone to blame those immigrants. It is quite natural and acceptable if anyone chooses to leave their home country and live elsewhere. Another reason why some people support so called “talent immigration” is that they suggest we should look at a bigger picture in this day and age. This is the 21st century and the world has become a small village in which nationalism should weigh less than the good of mankind. For example, if a medical scientist migrated from China to the US and then found a cure for a disease, this does not mean that only the people in the US will benefit from his finding but the whole world will.

In conclusion, as far as I am concerned, talent immigration is quite a nature movement and the world will finally benefit from it.

[Claire3]

Hey Allen!

Thanks so much for your reply. I read your essay and it seems like a really good writing piece.
I cannot believe that you only scored a grade of band 6 from when it appears to me that you have a sufficient ability to write well.

I have previously set for IELTS three times, twice for general and once for academic and I always got above 7 for all sections. I was hoping to get tips to push up my writing score a little more and when you told me that mine deserves lower than what I've been getting, I was slightly shocked haha. Maybe the standard in Australia is much lower than where you are living right now? :S

[Claire3]

And thanks for pinpointing at the concept of "stealing"!
I think the biggest problem with my writing is probably the way I formulate my opinions. They are sometimes quite irrelevant to what I need to talk about.

[allen_zhang]

Sorry again for giving you an under 7 estimated score. I am not an examiner and that's purely my personal feelings.
For my posted essay, I spent about 2 hours on it although I didn't search internet for some information. I probably could not present such an essay in the real test. Also, as I rely too much on the grammar check of MS Word, I often make spelling mistakes in the test.
Good luck with your IELTS journey.

[dr.awastk]

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME THAT IF WE WRITE UPTO 180-190 WORDS IN TASK 1 ACADEMIC WILL IT EFFECT OUR SCORE?

SIR RYAN PLEASE NEED YOUR EXPERT ADVISE TOO ON THIS QUERY.