Please correct my essay. I also have a few questions aswell

Post your Task 1 or 2 response and/or read the responses of other students and provide feedback.
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SHAJOE
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Oct 27, 2014 11:20 am

Please correct my essay. I also have a few questions aswell

Post by SHAJOE »

Question 1:

I have written 380 words for a question that requires only 250. Will i be penalised ?

Question 2:

Can i request for more paper at the examination. My hand writing is a bit big, so i might require more papers.

Question 3:

Can someone please correct my essay and tell me my mistakes and the areas i should improve on to get a Band of 8 ?

QUESTION

Topic:
Being a celebrity - such as a famous film star or sports personality - brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?
Answer:


Celebrity can be defined as an individual who is famous in a particular field or industry. Celebrities can belong to various industries and disciplines. To name a few the music industry, Sport, and the film industry are some. In recent times, more celebrities come from the music industry. One direction, Pink and lady gaga are fine examples.

Being a celebrity is an aspiration of young children. Often it is noticed that kids follow many sporting celebrities that belong to various sports including football. Children, get attracted to these figures because of the fame, and recognition they receive from the public. As a result more and more children follow celebrities as their role models.

Once, someone become famous, and receive recognition from people and the media they immediately transform themselves to being a celebrity. They often get invited for dinners, parties and many company events. As celebrities gain more attention from the public and media, they receive many sponsors from the corporate sector. There are many celebrities like, Madona where they receive free shoe’s, cloths and watches from sponsored companies.

In addition, celebrities receive red carpet welcoming, whenever they go to a store, and receive quick media attention as in every activity they do. However, at times there are negative aspects of being famous as well. The main reason identified can be the lack of privacy. Celebrities attract people, and there can be instances where celebrities require some privacy in their lives.

Micheal Jackson, is a fine example where he was under immense pressure due to the fact of unwanted media attention. He was followed by the paparazzis, who in return published each an every activity he was involved in during a private party or even in a holiday. As a result, Micheal was under stress and there have been reports claiming he received psychological treatment as a result.

All luxury comes with a cost. Despite having all the luxuries of receiving free goodies from the companies, sponsors and being on television or the magazines, celebrities have lost their privacy and in return have made a huge impact in their life. This is one of the most negative aspects in being a celebrity. The media, and its fans should give a private space for each individual despite the fact they are a celebrity or not.
tulusin1922
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Oct 30, 2014 7:31 pm

Re: Please correct my essay. I also have a few questions asw

Post by tulusin1922 »

I noticed that your actually don't answer the question, instead you just throw some facts on what people usually think it means being a celebrity.
On the first paragraph you give a definition of celebrity that is completely unnecessary, instead you should write a brief introduction stating your opinion regarding the topic's question ("being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?). Then, in the body of the essay you must justify this opinion with reasons. Again, I don't see any kind of justification in here, only an extended explanation of some celebrities' lifestyle. Finally, concerning the topic, you only treat this on your last paragraph, which by the way, should be the first one.

If you really want to get a band 8 you must remember that is essential to answer the topic's question by stating a clear opinion, don't ramble just for filling the word quote. If you exceed the 250 word requirement you won't be penalized, however keep in mind that you will only have 40 minutes to do this task, and that includes time for planning the essay, writing it and last but not least, reviewing it.
SHAJOE
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Oct 27, 2014 11:20 am

Re: Please correct my essay. I also have a few questions asw

Post by SHAJOE »

Thanks for your feedback. I'll keep that in mind when i am writing the next essay.

Thanks a lot again.
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