Any help to improve my IELTS Writing will be appreciated

[sonthuy]

Topic: Tourism is becoming a good source of revenue to many countries
Discuss the advantages and the disadvantages of exploiting this resource.

When humanity reaches a high living standard, they find it fascinating to travel from a country to other ones, which is considered as one of the good ways of enjoying their lives. Tourism, therefore, is making a great contribution to a nation’s economy. However, besides its undoubted benefits, there are still some concerns in this field. This essay will examine both positives and negatives of tourism.
It is obvious that tourism brings a lot of merits to a nation. One of the main one is it creates lots of new job. Specifically, higher paid careers such as tour guide or souvenir sellers appear owning to tourism industry. As a result, more revenue will be derived from travelers, which benefits not only the local but also the nation’s economy. In Halong bay, for example, many people, who were previously unemployed, were able to find great jobs. Or as another typical instance, Singapore became one of the most developed countries in the world due to giant amount of revenue from tourism-related activities. Secondly, by investing in tourism, the nation’s image is widely broadcasted to the world, which increases one nation’s role and influence on global conferences.
As well as undeniable advantages of tourism, there are also some drawbacks. One of the shortcomings is damage to the environment and bad effects on the human being’s health. First of all, an apparent consequence is that the more people travelling to a country, this means the more rubbish exposed by visitors, which is risky to the living environment. Furthermore, some of serious diseases can spread widely through a nation because of partially infected passengers as SAT.
To sum up, everything has two sides, the disadvantages of tourism are inevitable, however tourism also offer many great benefits to a nation’s development. As far as I’m concerned, thus, its advantages outweigh the drawbacks.

Would you mind commenting about my coherence, grammar and vocabulary? My aim is 7.5 band score. Thanks in advance.

[Flick]

Topic: Tourism is becoming a good source of revenue to many countries
Discuss the advantages and the disadvantages of exploiting this resource.

When humanity reaches a high living standard, they find it fascinating to travel from country to country, which is considered a good way of enjoying life. Tourism, therefore, is making a great contribution to a nation’s economy. However, besides its undoubted benefits, there are still some concerns in this field. This essay will examine both the positives and negatives of tourism.

It is obvious that tourism brings a lot of merits to a nation. One of the main ones is it creates lots of new job. Specifically, higher paid careers such as tour guides or souvenir sellers appear owing to tourism. As a result, more revenue will be derived from travelers, which benefits not only the local but also the nation’s economy. In Halong bay, for example, many people who were previously unemployed were able to find great jobs. Or another typical instance, Singapore became one of the most developed countries in the world due to a giant amount of revenue from tourism-related activities. Secondly, by investing in tourism, the nation’s image is widely broadcast to the world, which increases the nation’s role and influence on global conferences.

As well as undeniable advantages of tourism, there are also some drawbacks. One of the shortcomings is damage to the environment and bad effects on human health. First of all, an apparent consequence is that the more people travelling to a country means more rubbish being created by visitors, which is risky to the living environment. Furthermore, some serious diseases can spread widely through a nation because of infected travellers.

To sum up, everything has two sides. The disadvantages of tourism are inevitable, however tourism also offers many great benefits to a nation’s development. Thus, as far as I’m concerned, its advantages outweigh the drawbacks.