Pls leave comment- Task2- computer replace the newspapers

[rairaichan0323]

It is agreed that computers will replace paper newspapers, books etc. To what extent do you agree or disagree.


In a contemporary society, individuals are easy to obtain the most update information by a computer. Some people would contend that the traditional paper medium will be replaced by the internet. It is agreed that the newspapers and books have been gradually replaced by it. To prove this true, changing human habits and increasing awareness environmental protection will be analyzed as more feasible causes.

First of all, it is an undeniable fact that the habits of adolescent trend to a mobile or a computer to read the news rather than buying papers. For instance, in Hong Kong, there are some researches about individuals reading habits. As a result, 85% of young people are using electronic devices to read the news or books. This makes it clear that there are less people to buy newspapers or book due to altering behaviors. As this shows that state-of-the-art technology devices will be instead of the conventional measures.

Secondly and even more importantly, though, citizens have a strong sense of protecting the global. As those reading materials are made of woods and it brings enormous negative consequences to the earth. To illustrate, some forests were destroyed in order to making paper. Thus it seriously degraded the human living environment and brought a large amount of drawbacks. It is obvious from this that the papers or books will be substituted by modern technology due to residents are growing aware of saving their places.

By way of conclusion, following this look at how dwellers changing habits and having a strong sense of preserving their living environment, it is proven that the newspapers and books replacing by computers is a plausible. Also, I believe that it seems highly advisable for the government to encourage residents to access up-to-date information through internet.

[IELTS Liz]

Hi,

This is a good essay and would probably get about band score 6.5. Here are some comments on each criteria that the examiner will mark you on:

Task Response: This is your answer and the development of ideas.
You have done really well in this criterion. You have given two very relevant main points and you have extended them well. You would probably get about band score 7 in this criterion with this essay. To get a higher mark in this criterion, you need to give a more direct answer in your introduction. You have written "It is agreed that..." - this means other people agree that. This is an opinion essay so you must give your opinion in the thesis statement " In my opinion, it is very likely that paper books may one day disappear as the younger generation are leaning towards using electronic devices and are also environmentally conscious of global resources."

Coherence and Cohesion: Paragraphing and Linking
You have organised your ideas logically with very good paragraphing. You also have clear and academic linkers in your essay. However, please use the academic linker for the conclusion: In conclusion. If you write "By way of conclusion" it is less academic. If you had the correct linker for the conclusion, you would get about 7.5 for this criterion.

Vocabulary: range and accuracy
You have a good range of vocabulary with some very good examples of band score 7 words but because of the number of errors, your band score cannot go over 6.5. Here are some errors highlighted:
1. people are people, young people are young people, teenagers are adolescents. You have used the following paraphrases incorrectly - humans, residents, dwellers, adolescents. All these words have a similar meaning but are not direct paraphrases and cannot be used in the same way or in the same context. Too many errors.
2. altering behaviours - in this context talk about changing not altering. Also behaviour is uncountable.
3. trend - do you mean tend? You cannot have habits of adolescent trend. People have habits, trends do not.
4. Global is an adjective not a noun.

4. Grammar = accuracy and range
You have errors in most sentences. You have errors with tenses, word order, word form and articles. Due to the large number of errors, you would only get band score 6. Band score 5 = frequently errors, band score 6 = some errors, band score 7 = few errors.

It do better, work on having a direct answer in your introduction, use only academic linkers, don't take chances with vocabulary (you don't need to paraphrase every single word, some words can be repeated) and improve your basic grammar.

Here's a link to some free video lessons for IELTS writing task 2 http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-task- ... ng-task-2/.
All the best
Liz

[rairaichan0323]

Thank you so much Liz, u gave me a lot of valuable comments. I have some questions.
if I would like to use other words which is same meaning as people then which words I can use it?
could u point out my errors too. I always have difficulties about tense, article and word order.

thank you very much!!