I need a band 7 in the writing section of the IELTS Test. Every suggestion would be considerated and gratefully accepted!
Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Women are not regarded as appropriate candidates to be soldiers in any section of an army. However, many people advocate women joining armies without sex constraints. Whilst I believe that there are strong arguments on both sides, I would suggest that women should be considered as carefully as men when applying to the army.
One argument put forward in favor of the presence of female soldiers is that women can contribute with a different approach to army's order, tactics and objectives. In my opinion, despite the fact that those changes in the forces are probably necessary, women contribution can be effective without their involvement into the operative forces. For example, women can incorporate to the strategic committees and let men perform the field operations. Therefore, women selection should be based on intellectual skills rather than on their physical performance if a female wanted to apply for a commandment or technician job .
On the other hand, some people argue that women soldiers would be a problem because of some sort of physical weaknesses. However, I do not believe these arguments stand up scrutiny. Women should not be discarded automatically, but should be allowed to join the field forces if they fulfill the requirements required to men. The conditions imposed to be accepted in the army must be decided with two main purposes: to ensure the mutual surviving of soldiers and to optimize the performance against an hypothetical enemy in the battlefield. Thus, because of the capital importance of those constraints, it would be irresponsible to army's commandments to accept candidates if they weren't capable enough to take care of comrades and citizens. Consequently, women should be considered too to join regular forces, but only if their physical capacity is high as that of men.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that women should be taken in consideration in the regular army, but under the same conditions than men. However, in order to improve the percentage of females in the army, it would be clearly valuable to let them apply just to logistic tasks. This second way of army access should be also considered in men recruiting.
Women & army. Pls, how can I improve this task 2 to band 7?
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AlbertGrau
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Fri Nov 14, 2014 1:32 am
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AlbertGrau
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Fri Nov 14, 2014 1:32 am
Re: Women & army. Pls, how can I improve this task 2 to band
Please, any suggestion? 
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nguyenquanghuy
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2014 1:09 pm
Re: Women & army. Pls, how can I improve this task 2 to band
Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Women are not regarded as appropriate candidates to be soldiers in any section of an army. However, many people advocate women joining armies without sex constraints. Whilst I believe that there are strong arguments on both sides, I would suggest that women should be considered as carefully as men when applying to the army.
One argument put forward in favor of the presence of female soldiers is that women can contribute with a different approach to army's order, tactics and objectives. In my opinion, despite the fact that those changes in the forces(what is it referred to) are probably necessary, women’s contribution can be effective without their involvement into the operative forces. For example, women can incorporate to the strategic committees and let men perform the field operations. Therefore, women selection (I would say the selection of female soldiers) should be based on intellectual skills rather than on their physical performance if a female wanted to apply for a commandment or technician job .
On the other hand, some people argue that women soldiers female soldiers would be a problem because of some sort of physical weaknesses. However, I do not believe these arguments stand up to scrutiny. Women should not be discarded automatically, but should be allowed to join the field forces (i would say women should be allowed to join the field forces) if they fulfill the requirements required (repetition) to men. The conditions imposed to be accepted in the army must be decided with two main purposes: to ensure the mutual surviving of soldiers and to optimize the performance against an hypothetical enemy in the battlefield. Thus, because of the capital importance of those constraints, it would be irresponsible to army's commandments to accept candidates if they weren't capable enough to take care of comrades and citizens.
Consequently, women should be considered too to join regular forces, but only if their physical capacity is as high as that of men.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that women should be taken in consideration in the regular army, but under the same conditions as than men. However, in order to improve the percentage of females in the army, it would be clearly valuable to let them apply just to logistic tasks. This second way of army access should be also considered in men recruiting.
Here are some of my remarks:
1. The essay is too long for 40 minutes
2. There are a few grammatical mistakes
3. I always strive to make the supporting idea and example support the topic sentence as much as possible. But I feel the nexus in your writing is not really strong. (It’s great if someone else can give some advice for this point)
They are just opinions of a person striving to achieve a 7 in writing.
Thank you!
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Women are not regarded as appropriate candidates to be soldiers in any section of an army. However, many people advocate women joining armies without sex constraints. Whilst I believe that there are strong arguments on both sides, I would suggest that women should be considered as carefully as men when applying to the army.
One argument put forward in favor of the presence of female soldiers is that women can contribute with a different approach to army's order, tactics and objectives. In my opinion, despite the fact that those changes in the forces(what is it referred to) are probably necessary, women’s contribution can be effective without their involvement into the operative forces. For example, women can incorporate to the strategic committees and let men perform the field operations. Therefore, women selection (I would say the selection of female soldiers) should be based on intellectual skills rather than on their physical performance if a female wanted to apply for a commandment or technician job .
On the other hand, some people argue that women soldiers female soldiers would be a problem because of some sort of physical weaknesses. However, I do not believe these arguments stand up to scrutiny. Women should not be discarded automatically, but should be allowed to join the field forces (i would say women should be allowed to join the field forces) if they fulfill the requirements required (repetition) to men. The conditions imposed to be accepted in the army must be decided with two main purposes: to ensure the mutual surviving of soldiers and to optimize the performance against an hypothetical enemy in the battlefield. Thus, because of the capital importance of those constraints, it would be irresponsible to army's commandments to accept candidates if they weren't capable enough to take care of comrades and citizens.
Consequently, women should be considered too to join regular forces, but only if their physical capacity is as high as that of men.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that women should be taken in consideration in the regular army, but under the same conditions as than men. However, in order to improve the percentage of females in the army, it would be clearly valuable to let them apply just to logistic tasks. This second way of army access should be also considered in men recruiting.
Here are some of my remarks:
1. The essay is too long for 40 minutes
2. There are a few grammatical mistakes
3. I always strive to make the supporting idea and example support the topic sentence as much as possible. But I feel the nexus in your writing is not really strong. (It’s great if someone else can give some advice for this point)
They are just opinions of a person striving to achieve a 7 in writing.
Thank you!