please grade:)

[Mohammed]

Many people assume that the goal of every country should be to produce more materials and goods.
To what extent do you agree or disagree that constantly increasing production is an appropriate goal?

It is sometimes argued that manufacturing more commodities should be the main target for any country. I partially agree with this opinion.
It is quite obvious that producing materials and consumer goods in huge quantity has some benefits for a country in terms of economic and social aspects. For instance, large amount of production may reduce or even eliminate the dependence on importing of goods from overseas. As a result, that country would gain economical independence and would be able to meet its population’s demand itself. In addition to this,due to the abundance of goods the social welfare could be raised.
Apart from this, extreme amount of commodities can be used as a reserve for the future. In other words, a country can use a part of produced goods such as frozen fish, canned meat , cereal, etc in the case of crisis or low production period by saving those rationally and keeping in the storehouses.
On the other hand, however, as the quantity of materials and goods, the quality of those should not be forgotten. Every government should also focus on raising the quality of its manufacturing industry. Otherwise, low quality of production can damage reputation of the country. Also, it might not meet the demands of its people if a product has not a sufficient quality and relevance to needs.
To conclude, I would like to highlight that concentrating on only the amount of production would be a shortsighted view. It is also essential to take into account both of the quantity as well as the quality of manufacturing.

[Ryan]

Hi Mohammed,

A couple very quick notes for you:
-I admire your determination to support the middle ground (and you do a fair job of it here), but arguing one side of a statement can both curb grammatical issues and allow you to declare a bold, confident position ("I support the idea...."). This can help give your examiner the impression you are fully in control of the direction of the essay.
-Avoid using abbreviations in your essay. Never use "etc".
-I'm not sure if this is an issue with your computer's formatting of text, but please don't skip lines in the middle of your paragraphs. A paragraph's sentences should be grouped to indicate they are a solid unit.
-Be sure to draw clear conclusions at the end of each of your supporting paragraph. Tell the reader exactly what you expect them to logically take away from this part of the essay.
-You write very well; however, there are grammatical issues in most sentences. These issues unfortunately lead to minor incoherence at times, too. Please ask a native English speaking colleague of yours to do a grammar cleanup on a few of your essays.
-Use specific examples. Your first example is OK, but your second example is a bit vague. When you state "...low quality production can damage the reputation of the country...", use a specific example of a country this has happened to. Doing so adds tremendous weight to your argument and makes it difficult for the examiner to dock you marks for not fulfilling the task.

I would gauge this essay about a band 6.5. Just follow the above and clean up that grammar (<--THIS IS THE KEY!) and you will see your mark jump.

Good luck,
Ryan

[Mohammed]

thanks for feedback Ryan.I need at least 7.0 in writing.What do you think can I get this score within 1.5 month of preparation?And please grade my next essay.Thanks in advance