Please check task1 letter writing

[dream2oz]

Can someone please check my letter and provide feedback and potential band score-:

You have decided to leave your current employment. Write a letter to your employer. Include the following in your letter:
- Explain why you are writing
- Explain why you have decided to leave the company
- Tell your employer what you plan to do after leaving your present employment


I am writing to inform you that I am leaving this organization effective from 15th August, 2013. I am planning to go abroad for my higher studies so cannot continue with this job.
It was very difficult to take this decision as I have spent almost 5 years with this company and made lot of good friends. I have learnt a lot from you and other seniors in my tenure. I was trying to go to Australia for my higher studies and looking to get good marks in my IELTS which I eventually scored last week. Now I will start my Masters in Melbourne, Australia and will look forward to make a career there.
I would like to thank you for being so grateful and for all the guidance you provided during the period of my employment. I came all alone but leaving with immense knowledge which I gained in this company.
I will look forward to be in touch with you through personal email address and mobile.

Yours faithfully,
XYZ

[Samat]

Hi, I actually do Academic IELTS, that’s why I am not well informed about the “Task Achievement” part of the letter. So, I won’t make any comments on that, but I will try to help you with the other three, if I can

Coherence & Cohesion
Honestly though, I didn’t see a good use of cohesive devices. What I suggest you is try to link your sentences together, because almost all of your sentences look like individual messages without any connections to each other. They have to be connected with some words like “hence”, “that is why”, “therefore” “the reason is that” etc.
Example:
I am writing to inform you that I am leaving this organization effective from 15th August, 2013. THE REASON IS THAT I am planning to go abroad for my higher studies so cannot continue with this job.
What about coherence? I thought it was ok, because I could understand it. Though I think there was a lack of clear overall progression.
I think on coherence and cohesion, this response deserves 5 bands.

Lexical Resource
I thought it was good. It had some less common words. Though I think there were some inaccurate uses (e.g. “lot of good friends” I think, it should be “a lot of” or “lots of”, you should check it out, because I can be wrong since I am a student too)
I didn’t see any errors in spelling. And the word formations were all valid (I think).
This, I think, deserves 6 bands in terms of Lexical Resource.

Grammatical range & Accuracy
I thought you had to add some variety in terms of sentence structure, because all of them were similar and weren’t sufficiently complex.
Though I the majority of sentences was error-free (I think).
What I would like to mention is you should include some punctuation. You’ve missed lots of commas there, I think.
I think, on this criterion, the response deserves 6 or 5 (if you don’t fix the punctuation aspect)

So, overall it would be 5.5 (In my opinion… and of course, excluding the fourth criterion “task response”)
Hope my reply helps Bye.

[Ryan]

Hi, I actually do Academic IELTS, that’s why I am not well informed about the “Task Achievement” part of the letter. So, I won’t make any comments on that, but I will try to help you with the other three, if I can

Coherence & Cohesion
Honestly though, I didn’t see a good use of cohesive devices. What I suggest you is try to link your sentences together, because almost all of your sentences look like individual messages without any connections to each other. They have to be connected with some words like “hence”, “that is why”, “therefore” “the reason is that” etc.
Example:
I am writing to inform you that I am leaving this organization effective from 15th August, 2013. THE REASON IS THAT I am planning to go abroad for my higher studies so cannot continue with this job.
What about coherence? I thought it was ok, because I could understand it. Though I think there was a lack of clear overall progression.
I think on coherence and cohesion, this response deserves 5 bands.

Lexical Resource
I thought it was good. It had some less common words. Though I think there were some inaccurate uses (e.g. “lot of good friends” I think, it should be “a lot of” or “lots of”, you should check it out, because I can be wrong since I am a student too)
I didn’t see any errors in spelling. And the word formations were all valid (I think).
This, I think, deserves 6 bands in terms of Lexical Resource.

Grammatical range & Accuracy
I thought you had to add some variety in terms of sentence structure, because all of them were similar and weren’t sufficiently complex.
Though I the majority of sentences was error-free (I think).
What I would like to mention is you should include some punctuation. You’ve missed lots of commas there, I think.
I think, on this criterion, the response deserves 6 or 5 (if you don’t fix the punctuation aspect)

So, overall it would be 5.5 (In my opinion… and of course, excluding the fourth criterion “task response”)
Hope my reply helps Bye.

That's a great assessment, Samat. I agree with everything you've written here, and I would also gauge this about a band 5.5.

To me, this letter falls victim to the domino effect that plagues many students: poor grammar leads to awkward vocabulary usage. Awkward vocabulary in turn begets levels of incoherence, and this results in poor task fulfilment. The four breadths of the IELTS writing mark (Task Achievement, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resources and Grammar) are so closely tied together that performing poorly in one area can often cause the entire house of cards to fall, and I believe this is what we see happen in this letter.

Samat's comments about cohesion are also valid. Dream2oz's response presents cohesive devices, but these devices are mixed among awkwardly worded sentences. This causes the letter to read with less fluency. The reader is also left guessing how certain sections of the letter fit together (for example, I'm not sure who the 'grateful' party is).

Keep your sentences short, dream2oz. Being concise can do wonders for solidifying a student's grammatical abilities, and this will have cascading effects on all other areas of your writing.

[dream2oz]

Thank you Samat and Ryan for your valuable feedback.

I want to achieve Band 7 so I believe I need big improvement in my writing skills.

Ryan- I have been watching your videos for last 15 days and they are awesome. I will write more essays and letters and post here.

Also, What are your suggestions for me to enhance my writing skills?

Please help!

Regards,

[itssujan]

Hello Ryan,

Please correct and provide me the feedback. Looking forward for your reply.

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Dear Mr. Harry,

I am writing to inform you about my decision to leave this company. I had to take this decision due to a few negative factors that have been building up from the past few months.

One of the important reasons for this decision is the changing work culture with in the company. For instance, when I joined the organization, everyone was given respect and we had a flat organization structure. But after the recent growth of the company, employees are not given the value and appreciation that they deserve.

After leaving the employment, I have decided to start up a company of my own which would focus primarily on employee satisfaction and less on targets.

I thank you for all the support provided to me during my tenure with the firm and wish you all the success. I hope my decision is respected and as per the employment contract, my last working day would be a month from now i.e. 25th October 2013.

Yours sincerely,
Sujan

[itssujan]

Would be great if someone could give feedback for the above letter