Will my essay style get me 7 ?

[sos1947]

Folks

I am unable to reach 7.0 in my writing. Please review my essay and suggest few corrections.

Am I off-topic ?

Question ( taken from one of Ryan's utube tutorial )

The government should be permitted to censor internet to protect young people from offensive content. Do you agree or disagree ? Form an opinion and support it.

Answer:
(scope - permitted, censor internet, protect young people, offensive content)

Young people are future citizens of a nation. These young people need to be nurtured, molded to become able members of the society. They need to be protected from inappropriate content which is freely available on Internet. One would completely agree with the fact that government should censor the content found on the Internet which may be inappropriate to young people. Offensive content may imbalance youngster's mind and in few cases cause permanent damage.

It is rightly said that violence creates more violence. Violent content like video clips, photographs and write-up would only instigate more violence among young people. As a result, they would want to experience or relive the same behavior they viewed on the internet. Clearly young people need to be protected so that they do not put their lives or their loved ones in danger.

Further, a lot of content which may be additive to read may not benefit young students in their career growth. As an example instead of completing their work young students may be wasting their time going through the obscene content. As a result they may loose focus in studies unable to lead a successful professional life. This would not only affect their parents or future family but also affect the nation. A nation cannot prosper without high quality citizens.

However some people would refute such censorship. According to them such restrictions from government would violate freedom of speech. Instead of restricting one should teach young adults to differentiate the good from a bad. It would help young people to choose right path in every phase of life.

In my opinion it is important to protect our future citizens. We as responsible parents or school teachers can only restrict young people from watching offensive content at home or in school. However, internet is widely available therefore government should be allowed to control the internet. By viewing the right content young citizens would become suitable members of the society and help build a great nation.

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

I think your grammar is a bit weak - also:

1. Try to start each sentence with a complex word: "http://www.onlineenglishteacher.org/en/ ... -sentences".
2. Also make sure your handwriting is clear, if not currently: "http://www.onlineenglishteacher.org/en/ ... andwriting".

Young people are future citizens of a nation. These young people need to be nurtured ("and molded") , molded to become able members of ("a") the society. They need to be protected from inappropriate content which is freely available on ("the") Internet. One would completely agree with the fact that ("a") government should censor the content found on the Internet which may be inappropriate to young people. Offensive content may ("unbalance") imbalance ("a") youngster's mind and in ("a") few cases cause permanent damage.

It is rightly said that violence creates more violence. Violent content like video clips, photographs and ("a write up") write-up would only instigate more violence among young people. As a result, they would want to experience or relive the same behavior they viewed on the internet. Clearly young people need to be protected so that they do not put their lives or their loved ones in danger.

Further, a lot of content which may be ("addictive") additive to read may not benefit young students in their career growth. As an example(",") instead of completing their work young students may be wasting their time going through ("some") the obscene content. As a result they may ("lose") loose focus in studies unable to lead a successful professional life. This would not only affect their parents or future(",") family but also affect the nation. A nation cannot prosper without high quality citizens.

However some people would refute such censorship. According to them such restrictions from government would violate freedom of speech. Instead of restricting one should teach young adults to differentiate ("good from bad") the good from a bad. It would help young people to choose ("the") right path in every phase of life.

In my opinion it is important to protect our future citizens. We as responsible parents or school teachers can only restrict young people from watching offensive content at home or in school. However, ("the") internet is widely available(",") therefore ("a") government should be allowed to control ("it.") the internet. By viewing the right content young citizens would become suitable members of ("a") the society and help build a great nation.