Please! I really need someone to rate my essay

[Xhjsdaa]

Hi, guys
Just finished my IELTS today, I am fairly confident on other three component, except writing, which I did not do well. I need my result by end of next month. Can someone please rate my writing, so I can decide if I need to book next ielts exam asap.
Thanks you very much!

Topic: working atmosphere and salary, which one is more important?

As a university student graduating soon, I have started job hunting. The main criteria I look at while searching for future companies are working atmosphere and salary. However, I do prioritise working atmosphere over salary because it is more important.

Firstly, better working atmosphere can promote productivity. Inmagine working for a company that is boring and dull with unhappy staff and picky clients, how can you be productive in such environment? It is proven by research that companies which foster positive working atmosphere are more likely to be more productive and profitable. It also helps company to create more decentralised managerial system and more effective communication.

Secondly, working for a company with positive working atmosphere can promote work-life balance. We now work eight hours a day, apart from sleep, half of our day is spent at work. I had an internship at an accounting firm last summer. I got tired everyday after work. Luckily I worked for a company that had good working atmosphere. We had a welcome party for new employees and we always had afternoon tea together with managers. The work I did was not too exciting, but I always received assistence from other staff. When I finish my work, I was able to relax well and do some sports at the gym paid by my company. Working at such a company made me feel more energised and more optimistic towards my life.

Many may argue that salary is the most important thing. It is true that getting paid is one of the main reasons we go to work instead of staying at home. However, can money buy happiness. I would rather getting paid less but be happy than having lots of money crying. Furthermore, we now live in a market economy, how much you get paid depends on the nature of your job and the demand of your skill. Therefore your salary will not vary much from company to company.

Atmosphere is more important than salary, positive working atmosphere can lead to more productivity at work and more optimistic attitude towards life.

[terry3218]

In my opinion it's a decent attempt although the vocabulary used is somewhat simpler than what I would think is ideal and I think I spotted a smidgen wrong prepositions(maybe one or two)
nonetheless a good essay. What band are you hoping for?

[Xhjsdaa]

In my opinion it's a decent attempt although the vocabulary used is somewhat simpler than what I would think is ideal and I think I spotted a smidgen wrong prepositions(maybe one or two)
nonetheless a good essay. What band are you hoping for?

I didn't plan carefully and wrote too much. I didn't have time to check it at the end. I need eight, thought I don't think its eight....

[terry3218]

In my opinion it's a decent attempt although the vocabulary used is somewhat simpler than what I would think is ideal and I think I spotted a smidgen wrong prepositions(maybe one or two)
nonetheless a good essay. What band are you hoping for?

I didn't plan carefully and wrote too much. I didn't have time to check it at the end. I need eight, thought I don't think its eight....

Hmm that means you and I are in the same boat, I'm looking for 8 bands aswell but just can't get started with writing essays