IELTS GT2 Television and its negative affects

[PrasanthKasturi]

Could anyone please grade my essay
Topic:Television dominates the free-time for too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socializing with others.Do you agree or disagree?

Sufficient amount of rest is required for a person in this busy era to keep him fit and energetic. Of all the various sources, television is easily available and cheapest source of relaxation. However, TV has turned to be an addiction more than a source of entertainment. People even tend to skip important appointments straining their relationships. Even watching TV for long hours lead to health disorders.

Television has become an integral part of a man's life.Television broadcasts wide variety of programs 24*7 to suit different age groups.People are so addicted to this stuff that they are allured to avoid important events and meetings. This will have a negative affect on their career and personal life. For instance, my mother is so addicted to the serials and she does not even prefer to talk during that time and my father is irritated due to her behavior. So, clearly TV is distancing people from socializing.

Children will get easily hooked to programs like cartoons etc and get inclined to avoid physical activity. Exercise is the most important factor for healthy body. Because of this addiction to these TV series, they become lazy and put lot of weight. Even though this phenomenon is mainly observed in children, it holds true for elders also. Those who stay in home tend to watch TV for long hours and become victims . My neighbor's son Ravi watch TV for prolonged hours and now he have problems with him eyesight and his weight. This is yet another example for the negative effects of watching TV for long hours.

Anything used in excess leads to negative effects, and this essay demonstrates the same.Too much of television is having negative effect on a person's life and his relationships. So one must be judicious in watching TV and reduce the ill effects.

[bas]

Hi PrasanthKasturi,

Your essay is well-written, you have most of the necessary information for the task. I believe this is about a band 6 essay in my opinion. However, I have a few suggestions that might increase your band scores.

I like your introduction, you have everything you need there. I would just work on the wording of the last two sentence because they sound a little awkward to me. You could combine the two sentences into something like this: "Because of this, people tend to skip important appointments, strain their relationships and fall victim to health disorders."

The first two sentences in your second paragraph seem a little redundant to me. I believe you should go straight into explaining how watching tv can waste people's time and focus the rest of the paragraph on supporting that point. You could include some of the details of the first two sentences after you explain the topic of the paragraph to strengthen your point though. The third paragraph could also benefit from this.

In both of your body paragraphs, I believe you could improve the linking phrases used between each sentence to improve cohesion. Ryan does a good job of explaining this on his website and in his ebooks so I would review those.

I would include an outline of the body paragraph in the conclusion. Just mention how the negative effects of missing appointments and health disorders prove how tv is bad for everyone.

I hope this helps. Let me know what you think.

Bas

[PrasanthKasturi]

Hey.. Thanks bas, Thanks for your review.

I will try joining some sentences and try using the Joining words. Can you please guide me to those linking words if possible. Any sort of material would be of great help.

Regards
Prasanth

[bas]

The best source I used to learn it was Ryan's Task 2 ebook. However, you could also use the videos in this link http://ieltsielts.com/how-to-maximize-y ... coherence/