Essay Task 2 Please assess!!!

[ansh3091]

Question:
We live in a world in which we are constantly exposed to advertising. To what extent does advertising influence our choice as consumers, and what effect does it have on our lifestyles? Discuss this issue and give your opinion.

In today’s world, the customers are always confronted with the advertisements by several modes. Therefore, it is inevitable that they will influence our selection process as consumers and our lifestyles. Firstly, this essay will examine the effects of well planned marketing on the choices of people, and then on their contemporary lifestyles.
In the present time, there are wide varieties of a single product available in the global market. Nevertheless, selection of a particular variety mostly depends on how well its advertisements are managed. For instance, consumers often dispose towards those products, although costly, which are being marketed by some famous personalities, perhaps, a movie star, or sports personnel. Similarly, it is highly likely that a haphazard advertising of a product leads to degrading its value among different alternatives available and thereby its sales.
Typically, to consumers, the benefits of advertisements outweigh its negative impacts. However, because of them, people do compromise with their modern lifestyles, their enjoyment, and their social and personal lives. In addition, their decision making process often gets jeopardized. An appropriate example to support this argument may be, by seeing a promotional video of an expensive restaurant presenting a cheerful family having dinner and getting entertained, could pursue customers toward that restaurant. Furthermore, In order to afford an evening in that restaurant, people might work for longer hours wasting precious time that they would have spent with their families. Hence, it is worth assessing the overall impacts of marketing on consumers.
To summarize, in my opinion, it is unlikely that consumers can escape from the influence of advertisements. Also, well planned advertisements do influence much on selection process of consumers as well as their lifestyles, yet, not always advantageously.

[bas]

Hi Ansh,

Your new essay looks very well in my opinion. I like your use of vocabulary and relevant reasoning to support your argument.

The main area I think you need some more improvement on is your grammar. I had to reread some of the sentences to understand what you were trying to convey.

I also noticed you used a lot of linking phrases. While this is good to include, I believe your method attracts too much attention. Most of your sentences follow the same pattern where it starts with a few cohesive words followed by a comma (ie: For instance, therefore, nevertheless, hense, etc). I would mix up the sentence structures by including cohesive phrases in the middle and end of the sentences instead.

Although it is probably not necessary, I would strengthen your examples because they sound too generalized in my opinion. We could potentially improve your task achievement score by incorporating this because it should develop your position more firmly. For example, I would personally mention Arnold Schwarzenegger doing a fitness or health ad and discuss how his fans and other fitness advocates would be interested in what he says because of his successful background in the field.

These are just my two cents, I hope it helps.

Bas

[ansh3091]

Hey Bas,

Thanks for your valuable suggestions. I also noticed that my sentence structures are monotonous . I support your point to make my examples more specific. Also, I am working on my grammar too.

Cheers,
Ansh