Please review this letter and give a score

[saterp]

Writing Task 1 (a letter) {150 words)– Write a letter to the publisher in a newspaper, asking to advertise a meeting of people from different countries you are organizing. Explain where, when and why.

Dear Sir or Madam,

My name is Sat and I am a president of expatriate in France group, the purpose of the group is to meet people from different countries around the world and share culture, lifestyle and have fun during leisure time.

I am writing this letter requesting you to publish our next meeting details in your national newspaper on front page of size 8*20, meeting will be held in La Defense, Paris at around 6.00 PM in front of the Grand Arch.

The reason for gathering together is to plan a musical concert in the city in the month of August by famous expatriate musicians, our group comprises of well-known artists who would be playing the famed music of their country and at the end we would be conducting wrap music competition, where every expatriate can participate and win exciting prizes.

I am attaching a template of the same, kindly let me know the discounted rate and your bank account details so that I can remit the necessary amount into your account.

I am looking forward to hear from you soon.

Yours faithfully,
Sat

[jaypatel]

There are few mistakes in sentence completion. I believe there were some commas (,) specially in first two paragraphs which were not required. It could have been removed or broken into two separate sentences.

When comma is introduced, both the sentences must have logical connection.

*** I am looking forward to hearing from you..