Kindly please evaluate my essay (Internet in schools...)

[harsh_joshi]

2. In some countries, using the internet in schools is getting more popular. Is this a positive or negative development?

Today, modern world is solely dependent on the internet. For instances, distantly situated people can communicate to each other, monitoring of machine from a distant head office, communication between people via mobile phones or social networking, collaboration of colleagues from different branches, all these are possible only through the internet. It is agreed that use of internet in schools with applied security measures always contributes to positive development. This can be shown by how it deepens students' knowledge and keep students updated with latest technologies.

Firstly, introducing internet to schools provides search facility to students about explained topic in the classroom. For example, Central Board of Secondary Education(CBSE) of India implements desktop computers with internet facility in the study hall to each student which allow them to intensify peculiar topic using Google or Wikipedia. This how students can instantly expand their horizon of a distinct topic. This clearly shows endowment of the internet in classrooms is a positive approach.

Secondly, promotions of new technology in the market has always been exposed to the internet. For example, Google AdSense shows different advertisements in numerous websites promoting hardware and software giants like Intel, Apple and Microsoft about their latest releases. By clicking on these promotions students can have detailed information on that advertisement which indirectly expose them to new technologies. Thus, implementation of the internet in classrooms affects positively.

As the above discussion has shown, how internet play vital role in students life to sharpen their knowledge and be updated with modern technologies which is indeed a positive development. It is strongly recommended that to develop students academically and schools in positive direction internet should be made available.


Thanks and Regards,
Harsh

[harsh_joshi]

please assess my essay...

[Dr.Matthew]

2. In some countries, using the internet in schools is getting more popular. Is this a positive or negative development?

Today, modern world

try to avoid these VERY general openings

is

solely

is this REALLY true...I don't think so

dependent on the internet. For instances, distantly situated people can communicate to each other, monitoring of machine from a distant head office, communication between people via mobile phones or social networking, collaboration of colleagues from different branches, all these are possible

only

try to avoid these limiting modifiers, especially such STRONG ones such as this

through the internet. It is agreed that use of internet in schools with applied security measures always contributes to positive development. This can be shown by how it

say what IT is...

deepens students' knowledge and keep students updated with latest technologies.

it's a LONG introduction that only touches base with the focus of the topic towards the end...internets and SCHOOLS...

Firstly, introducing [the] internet to schools provides [a] search facility to students about explained topic in the classroom. For example, [the] Central Board of Secondary Education(CBSE) of India implements desktop computers with internet facility in the study hall to each student which allow them to intensify peculiar topic using Google or Wikipedia. This how students can instantly expand their horizon of a distinct topic. This clearly shows [the] endowment of the internet in classrooms is a positive approach.

Secondly, promotions of new technology in the market has always been exposed to the internet. For example, Google AdSense shows different advertisements in numerous websites promoting hardware and software giants like Intel, Apple and Microsoft about their latest releases. By clicking on these promotions students can have detailed information on that advertisement which indirectly expose them to new technologies. Thus, implementation of the internet in classrooms affects positively.

Sorry to say, this paragraph seems to slide away a little into awkward phrasing. It seems a little rushed, especially after the first body paragraph. My advice would be to rewrite and use shorter sentences.

As the above discussion has shown

,

I like this approach to concluding VERY MUCH...well done

how internet play vital role in students life to sharpen their knowledge and be updated with modern technologies which is indeed a positive development. It is strongly recommended that to develop students academically and schools in positive direction [the] internet should be made available.

1. Article use needs to be improved
2. General grammatical accuracy is good but not perfect.
3. Some very good phrasing, some not so good as indicated
4. The QUALITY of the ideas/arguments might have been improved. After all, it really is a GIFT topic bringing together technology AND education.
5. Watch out for these adverbs: only/entirely/solely/completely/wholly/always/never...usually TOO strong for academic writing.
cheers,

[harsh_joshi]

Dear Matthew,

It was an excellent evaluation. Thank you so much for describing precisely about each and every mistakes.
I have few clarifications below :

1. What does this line means ?

After all, it really is a GIFT topic bringing together technology AND education.

2. What you meant here ?

It is agreed that use of internet in schools with applied security measures always contributes to positive development. This can be shown by how it

say what IT is

Thanks a lot!!!
-Harsh