Please evaluate my task 1 academic writing

[azil]

Below is the link of the task 1 graph and my essay as well. Feel free to evaluate and suggest for points of improvements. thank you.

https://elt.oup.com/elt/students/ielts/ ... anguage=en

TASK 1 (ACADEMIC)

The line graph shows total value of fuel exports and selected exports like food, manufactured goods and fuel in an unnamed country for a five year period, from year 2000-2005.

In the first graph, it shows the total value of fuel of exports. It started with a 300,000 million dollars value on year 2000 which slightly dropped until year 2002. But from then on, a continuous and increasing trend of total fuel exports value can be seen on the graph that reached its highest value to a little less than 450,000 million dollars on year 2005.

Unlike total value of fuel exports which had a significant increase at the end of 5-year period, the value of selected export, like fuel, consistently dropped from less than 50,000 million dollars in 2000 to its lowest value in 2005 of 20,000 million dollars. Value of manufactured goods was the sole export that gained an increase in value on year 2005. Approximately 15,000 million dollars was the starting value of manufactured goods on year 2000, then reached its first peak value to a little less than 30,000 million dollars after 2 years. A year after, the manufactured goods value flunked but regained its peak value again in year 2005. On the other hand, food export value remained stable in from 2000 – 2005 with a miniscule of fluctuations.

[Dr.Matthew]

OK, it's my day off and so I'll have a go at a Task 1 for a change...but first a slightly 'philosophical' digression . One of the strategies I emphasize in ALL my teaching (not just for IELTS but for the university students I teach and the high school students I tutor) is what I describe as the importance of you developing a 'meta-attitude' to the task you are presented with (and to your learning in general). And, apologies for such a horribly LONG sentence...remember, in general, shorter (not short!) sentences tend to be more effective.

OK, what's a 'meta-attitude'? It's the thinking 'outside the square' technique whereby you think about the thinking or put yourself in the shoes of the teacher (or IELTS test compiler/examiner). What is it that they want from a particular task/topic? This strategy is especially usefully in Academic Writing Task 1. The type of graph/table/flowchart holds important clues for what sort of language you should be using in your response. How does it work? Well, if we examine the graphs Azil has responded to (see link in the original post), I think what's been asked for is the language of modulation + the language of comparison (obviously). How is this useful? Well, as well prepared IELTS writers, you immediately retrieve all those beautiful terms and phrases that relate to these language functions and apply them to the specific content eg:

VERBS: rises, falls, fluctuates, stabilizes, increases, decreases etc
ADVERBS: slightly, approximately, noticeably, mainly, strongly, dramatically etc
COMPARITIVES: 'is greater than'; 'is less than' 'indicates a greater increase/decrease'; 'a higher/lower rate than'; 'more/less significant change' etc
ADJECTIVES: 'a modest rise'; 'a relatively insignificant deviation'; 'a substantial increase'

So, why task 1 analyses? You are being mainly examined on your English language ability for precision, typically (but not always) in a quantitative analysis. If you want some GREAT language to help you along the way...find an open access online journal (maybe about economics) and see how the experts do it. Here's one from the public domain and so I think it should be OK to reproduce here:

http://www.economics-ejournal.org/econo ... rs/2015-34

Have a look at just how many 'gems' can be found in this one Abstract:

Using unit data from the Indian Human Development Survey (IHDS), 2004-05, this paper estimates and decompose the multidimensional poverty dynamics in 84 natural regions of India. Multidimensional poverty is measured in the dimensions of health, knowledge, income, employment and household environment using ten indicators and Alkire-Foster methodology. The unique contributions of the paper are inclusion of a direct economic variable (consumption expenditure) to quantify the living standard dimension, decomposition of MPI across the dimensions and the indicators and provide estimates at sub-national level.

Results indicate that about half of India's population are multidimensional poor with large regional variations. More than 70% of the population are multidimensional poor in the Mahanadi Basin, the southern region of Chhattisgarh and the Vindhya region of Madhya Pradesh, while it is less than 10% in the coastal regions of Maharashtra, Delhi, Goa, the mountainous region of Jammu and Kashmir, the Hills region and Plains region of Manipur, Puducherry and Sikkim. The decomposition of MPI indicates that economic dimension alone accounts for about one-third of multidimensional poverty in most of the regions of India. Based on these analyses, the authors suggest target based interventions in the poor regions to reduce poverty and inequality, and achieve the Millennium Development Goals in India.

OK, on to Azil's Task 1:

The line graph shows [the] total value of fuel exports and selected exports

like "such as"

food, manufactured goods and fuel in an unnamed country for

'for' is OK...also maybe 'over'

a five year period, [delete from year] 2000-2005.

[Delete: In] The first graph [delete: it] shows the total value of fuel [delete: of] exports. It

what is 'it'? Be specific.

started with a [insert: value of] 300,000 million dollars [delete: on year] [insert: in] 2000 which slightly dropped

'dropped slightly'

until [delete: year] 2002. {delete: But] From then on, a continuous and increasing trend of total fuel exports value can be seen on the graph that reached its highest value to a little less than 450,000 million dollars [delete: on year] [insert: in/by] 2005.

Unlike [insert: the] total value of fuel exports which had a significant increase at the end of [insert: the] 5-year period, the value of selected export[s], like fuel, consistently dropped from less than 50,000 million dollars in 2000 to its lowest value in 2005 of 20,000 million dollars

Really good writing IMO...well done!

. [insert: The] value of manufactured goods was the sole export that gained an increase in value on year 2005. Approximately 15,000 million dollars was the starting

perhapsinitial' is a better word choice?

value of manufactured goods [delete: on year] [insert: in] 2000, then reached its first peak value to a little less than 30,000 million dollars after 2 years. A year after

probably best to specify the year

, the manufactured goods

apostrophe of possession required?

value flunked

inappropriate verb choice

but regained its peak value again in year 2005. On the other hand,

my advice is to avoid these discursive phrases more typical of Task 2 essay in this context

food export value remained stable in from 2000 – 2005 with a miniscule

do you mean 'minimum of fluctuation'?

of fluctuations.

Hope some of this helps Azil...overall, a pretty good effort, but -- as always -- room for improvement ESPECIALLY in the way you discuss time frames/periods (make sure of your prepositions here....in a year; on a day; over a certain period; at a specific date).

[azil]

Thank you so much Dr. Matthew.

[swirusek]

wow, great evaluation