Please evaluate my writing task 2 (targeting 6.5 band)

[asadurk]

Topic:
It is said that day-by-day people’s lives are becoming increasingly stressful. What are the reasons behind that? What can be done to solve this problem?


Stress is one of the key factors that reduce human efficiency in the work. In the modern world, there are many potential reasons in which, one can under stress, like health and financial issues. Reasons of, why one is under stress, should be truly addressed to overcome this issue. In the essay I’ll try to figure out the reason of stress and how it can be resolved in detail.

Advancement in industries boost up the production speed, consequently, numerous brands of the same product can be seen in the market that normally obsolete twice in the year. In order to get up to date product, one has to earn more money to purchase desired product, as a result, person has to work hard and take home more capital, until and unless get his/her dream product, if one can’t get it with more effort, he/she should be definitely under stress.

Although, if someone would manage enough money to fulfill own need, after working day and night, then It is possible that he can suffer his/her health. Health fitness is the second root cause that might be related to stress. If someone suffer from health, then it’s possible that sometime it might affect his job performance even he/she is pleasing his need, as a result stress will come.

After finding main root causes, it can be concluded that stress can be avoided by one should limiting need and by taking care of health and Govt. should make sure that product should be available to the end user cheapest as possible so that average people can also acquire it easily.

[Flick]

Topic:
It is said that day-by-day people’s lives are becoming increasingly stressful. What are the reasons behind that? What can be done to solve this problem?


Stress is one of the key factors that reduce human efficiency in the workplace. In the modern world, there are many potential reasons in which, one can under stress, like health and financial issues.(<--Reword to: "In the modern world, there are many potential causes for stress, such as health and financial issues.") Reasons of, why one is under stress, should be truly addressed to overcome this issue.(<--Reword to: "In order to overcome these issues, it is important to figure out what is causing stress and find ways to resolve it.") In the essay I’ll try to figure out the reason of stress and how it can be resolved in detail.(<--Delete this sentence.)

Advancement in industries boost up the production speed, consequently, numerous brands of the same product can be seen in the market that normally obsolete twice in the year.(<--Reword to: "As technology advances, production has sped up and numerous versions of the same product can be seen in the market. These products quickly become obsolete, so in order to keep up, one has to earn money to purchase the desired product. This means a person has to work harder to earn more money, which can cause stress.") In order to get up to date product, one has to earn more money to purchase desired product, as a result, person has to work hard and take home more capital, until and unless get his/her dream product, if one can’t get it with more effort, he/she should be definitely under stress.(<--Delete this sentence.)

Although, if someone would manage enough money to fulfill own need, after working day and night, then It is possible that he can suffer his/her health.(<--Reword to: "Even if a person manages to earn enough money to fulfill their desire, their health may suffer.") Health is the second root cause that might be related to stress. If someone suffers from health issues, then it’s possible that it might affect his job performance even if he is meeting his job requirements, as a result stress will occur.

After finding the main root causes, it can be concluded that stress can be avoided by one limiting wants and by taking care of one's health. The government should make sure that products should be available to the end user as affordably as possible so that average people can also acquire them easily.