Although a number of countries have already issued bylaw to ban the smoking action in the public area such as indoor space, hospital, restaurant, many citizens worldwide still hang on the habit of smoking these days. There are couple of reasons we spend time discuss it.
At first, the second hand smoke is harmful, especially for certain groups of individual who have heart-related disease. The blatantly toxic substances as benzene and radon gas included in the cigarette can cause a death of the person. As we all know, smoking can lead t higher risk of lung cancer. The research pointed out that second hand smokers actually have several times possibilities of diagnoses of lung-cancer.
Secondly, smoking gives a bad example for young people. The young teenager has a week ability of judgement of what is good or bad for them. They are vulnerable to get influenced easily by their smoking
friend because of "peer pressure", which enforce them to do the bad thing in order to look "normal" among friends.
I will suggest the ventilation sot ion, like air-cleaning equipment which can virtually eliminate the health risks to pasterns or workers. Otherwise, smokers can have the electronic cigarette to quit smoking is the "emotional bond" between smoker and cigarette. This can help smoker gradually give up their habit. Moreover, smokers can do exercise to distract themselves when they have feeling to smoke. Taking a deep breath can help as well. It is known that it is extremely hard to quit smoking, but once you have the determination, you can successfully accomplish it.
Please evaluate general writing Task 2 (targeting 8 )
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Dr.Matthew
- Posts: 61
- Joined: Thu Apr 16, 2015 12:11 am
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Re: Please evaluate general writing Task 2 (targeting 8 )
Hi Clotilda:
sorry about the 'mish-mash' of revision techniques
. Basically, red font means revision is required OR you can erase the word I have highlighted in red. I have suggested/corrected using words/letters in [....]. Overall, again sorry to say, this sample would not obtain an 8. You are on your way to compiling a good essay and several of your ideas are worthwhile. Overall, there seems to be some inconsistency with the focus of the essay; for example, from your essay, I couldn't be certain of EXACTLY what the topic/prompt was...this means you have not successfully driven towards specifying a precise issue. For some basic tips on style, punctuation etc., you might find some of the posts on my blog useful. Good luck, Dr. Matthew
http://www.internationaleap.org/blog.php
Although a number of countries have already issued bylaw[s] to ban the smoking action in the public area[s] such as indoor space[s], hospital[s], [and] restaurant, many citizens worldwide still hang on the habit of smoking these days. There are [a] couple of reasons we spend time discuss it.
At first, the [S]econd hand smoke is harmful, especially for certain groups of individual[s] who have heart-related disease. The blatantly toxic substances [such] as benzene and radon gas included in the cigarette can cause a death of the person. As we all know, smoking can lead t[o] [a/the] higher risk of lung cancer. The [R]esearch [has] pointed out that second hand smokers actually have several times [the] possibilities of [being] diagnose[d] [with] lung-cancer.
Secondly, smoking gives [sets] a bad example for young people. The young teenager has a week ability of judgement of what is good or bad for them. They are vulnerable to get influenced easily by their smoking
[/color]friend[s] because of "peer pressure", which enforce them to do the bad thing in order to look "normal" among friends.
I will suggest the ventilation sot ion, like air-cleaning equipment which can virtually eliminate the health risks to pasterns or workers. Otherwise, smokers can have the electronic cigarette to quit smoking[.] This device can [imitate/replicate/sustain] the "emotional bond" between smoker and cigarette. This can help smoker[s] gradually give up their habit. Moreover, smokers can do exercise to distract themselves when they have the feeling to smoke. Taking a deep breath can help as well. It is known that it is extremely hard to quit smoking, but once you have the determination, you can successfully accomplish it.
clotilda Posts: 1Joined: Thu May 07, 2015 3:50 am
sorry about the 'mish-mash' of revision techniques
. Basically, red font means revision is required OR you can erase the word I have highlighted in red. I have suggested/corrected using words/letters in [....]. Overall, again sorry to say, this sample would not obtain an 8. You are on your way to compiling a good essay and several of your ideas are worthwhile. Overall, there seems to be some inconsistency with the focus of the essay; for example, from your essay, I couldn't be certain of EXACTLY what the topic/prompt was...this means you have not successfully driven towards specifying a precise issue. For some basic tips on style, punctuation etc., you might find some of the posts on my blog useful. Good luck, Dr. Matthewhttp://www.internationaleap.org/blog.php
Although a number of countries have already issued bylaw[s] to ban the smoking action in the public area[s] such as indoor space[s], hospital[s], [and] restaurant, many citizens worldwide still hang on the habit of smoking these days. There are [a] couple of reasons we spend time discuss it.
At first, the [S]econd hand smoke is harmful, especially for certain groups of individual[s] who have heart-related disease. The blatantly toxic substances [such] as benzene and radon gas included in the cigarette can cause a death of the person. As we all know, smoking can lead t[o] [a/the] higher risk of lung cancer. The [R]esearch [has] pointed out that second hand smokers actually have several times [the] possibilities of [being] diagnose[d] [with] lung-cancer.
Secondly, smoking gives [sets] a bad example for young people. The young teenager has a week ability of judgement of what is good or bad for them. They are vulnerable to get influenced easily by their smoking
[/color]friend[s] because of "peer pressure", which enforce them to do the bad thing in order to look "normal" among friends.
I will suggest the ventilation sot ion, like air-cleaning equipment which can virtually eliminate the health risks to pasterns or workers. Otherwise, smokers can have the electronic cigarette to quit smoking[.] This device can [imitate/replicate/sustain] the "emotional bond" between smoker and cigarette. This can help smoker[s] gradually give up their habit. Moreover, smokers can do exercise to distract themselves when they have the feeling to smoke. Taking a deep breath can help as well. It is known that it is extremely hard to quit smoking, but once you have the determination, you can successfully accomplish it.
clotilda Posts: 1Joined: Thu May 07, 2015 3:50 am