IELTS writing task2 need a proofreading please

[wzncx]

could someone please proofread my essay, greatly appreciated
Traffic jam is a serious problem of big cities. Governments decide to build wider roads in order to solve the problem. Do you agree or disagree?

Some governments widen roads in large cities as a way of addressing traffic congestion. Personally, I totally disagree with this implementation because there are more effective methods available for them to deal with this traffic problem, such as reducing the number of cars on the roads and promoting of the public transportation service.

Limiting the number of vehicles on the roads would efficiently ease the heavy traffic in major cities. This is because traffic congestion mainly caused by excessive number of cars on the road. If a policy could be implemented to reduce this number, traffic condition in large cities could be greatly improved. To illustrate, the traffic flow of my hometown, one of the biggest cities in China, has been significantly eased, since the local government released a regulation to restrict the number of cars in the city.

Furthermore, another valid approach of addressing traffic congestion in major cities would be to improve the public transportation service there. In particular, the service should be made more readily available and appealing for commuters. With great convenience and an attractive environment that the service provides, most people would prefer to take buses, trains or subways rather than driving their own cars to commute to work or for other journeys.

In conclusion, I reiterate that I completely disagree that building wider roads is the proper solution to traffic congestion in major cities. To effectively address the traffic problem, governments need to concentrate on restricting the quantity of cars on the road while improving the public transportation service.

[Dr.Matthew]

Hi, will give it a (quick!) revision ....comments at end of revision...

Some governments...a slightly stronger opening...? Some...(yuk)

Some governments widen roads in large cities as a way of addressing

great verb choice!

traffic congestion. Personally, I totally

perhaps TOO strong?

disagree with this implementation because there are more effective methods available for them to deal with this traffic problem, such as reducing the number of cars on the roads and promoting of the public transportation service.

VERY good set of supporting reasons

Limiting the number of vehicles on the roads would efficiently

or effectively?

ease the

the article could be dispensed with...

heavy traffic in major cities. This is because

'this is because' is a little clichéd/weak imo...best to find an alternative

traffic congestion mainly caused by excessive number of cars

EITHER: 'an excessive number of cars' OR 'excessive numbers of cars'

on the road. If a policy could be implemented to reduce this number, traffic condition[s] in large cities could be greatly improved. To illustrate, the traffic flow of [in?] my hometown, one of the biggest cities in China, has been significantly eased, since the local government released

a slightly better verb choice? eg: enforced/imposed

a regulation to restrict the number of cars in the city.

Furthermore,

I am NOT a huge fan of using a transition at the commencement of a new paragraph...but I might be too academic in this opinion lol

another valid approach of addressing traffic congestion in major cities would be

excellent use of the conditional

to improve the public transportation service there. In particular, the service should be made more readily available and appealing for commuters.

excellent sentence form and effective dynamic in how you balance different sentence lengths here

With [the] great[er] convenience and [the] [more] attractive environment that the service provides,

PERHAPS insert 'I argue/have argued or 'this essay argues/has argued'...just a suggestion though...what do others think? Maybe 'suggest' is a better verb choice here if you were to take up this option? And, if 'suggest' is employed...maybe modify with 'strongly'?

most people would prefer to take buses, trains or subways rather than driving their own cars to commute to work or for other journeys.

In conclusion, I reiterate that I completely disagree that building wider roads is the proper solution to traffic congestion in major cities. To effectively address the traffic problem,

hmmmnnn, are you REALLY an IELTS candidate How rarely does one see a sentence opening with the sign of the infinitive + infinitive form etc...VERY stylish

governments need to concentrate on restricting the quantity of cars on the road while improving the public transportation service.

Congratulations! Easily a 7+ in my humble opinion . Yes, a little room for improvement, but I actually don't think I could write such a polished essay in 40 minutes under test conditions!

[wzncx]

Thank you very much for your correction Dr.Matthew, it`s really helpful.
Actually, I spent more than 40 mins to finish this essay,and I had corrected it before I posted it on the forum. So I don`t think I can write an essay like this under an exam condition, which might be the reason why my writing score stuck on 6.5 in my previous IELTS tests.
I also find the advice you gave to Prams very useful, so I copied and pasted it on a Word document. By flowing your methods, I am quiet certain that I will be a better writer. Thanks again for your help.

[asadurk]

Dear Dr. Matthew,

I have got the basic idea of this essay by visualizing wzncx's essay. Here is my script. It's humble request to tell me what band will I get and please give me some suggestion to improve my writing skills to get 7 bands.

Gridlock situation is very common during peak hours in the metropolitan cities. One of the resolutions of this issue is to widen the roads that are completely useless in the big and metropolitan cities for commuting to work or other journeys. However, some more effective methods have been successfully implemented in the various cities to work out this serious issue that will be discussed in the essay.

Continuous increment of private vehicles on the road are the major bottleneck of the resolution of traffic congestion issue by widening the road because if will nullify the effect of widening the road. However, this solution can be considered as a quickest way to overcome this serious problem for nearest future. Bur for long lasting solution Government should also implement some policy to limit the number of private vehicles on the road, such as by binding company to not give car to employees.

Introducing metro train service is one of the most effective ways to get rid of traffic jam issue as it’ll be easily accessible for masses. Time and consumption of fuel can also be saved by introducing it, which is also good for healthy environment. This system is also head and shoulders above the strategy of the widening the roads in many ways like vehicle maintenance issue that will also aid government to easily shift people from private transport to public transport.

To wrap up, longer lasting project should be implemented to resolve traffic congestion issues in big cities like introducing bullet trains and by implementing the policies that will reduce the number of cars on the road rather than only addressing this issue by widening the road.

[Dr.Matthew]

Hello again wzncx, well, it's still a VERY good essay and by taking time to revise and refine your work you will more effectively absorb the accurate structures and vocab that will help you succeed. I guess you have carefully written the 8-10 essays on the typical hot topics? Also, if you are "stuck" on 6.5, in my experience this can be a result of an inadequate Task 1 (NOT Task 2). Do you give enough time to preparing for Task 1? Finally, yes, the COPY technique can be highly effective in a relatively short time BUT it's all about consistency + discipline...every day copy at least 2 x 150 word passages from the longer reading tests i.e: full prose (different passages each time of course!). For some variation, you can also copy some of the near perfect essay samples that can be found online.

cheers,

[Dr.Matthew]

Let's have a quick look:

Gridlock [delete situation] is very common during peak hours in the metropolitan cities. One of the resolutions of this issue is to widen the roads that are

completely useless Why SO strong? COMPLETELY???

in the big and metropolitan cities

I'd simply say 'big, metropolitan cities'

for commuting to work or other journeys. However, some more effective methods have been successfully implemented in the various cities to work out this serious issue that will be discussed in the essay.

good, but again, "why the mystery?" State what these effective methods are: 'Effective methods such as better public transport systems and inner city traffic tolls have been successfully implemented in a number of cities to address this serious issue. These methods will be discussed in this essay'

Continuous increment of private vehicles on the road are the major bottleneck of the resolution of traffic congestion issue by widening the road because if will nullify the effect of widening the road

topic sentences are meant to be relatively SHORT!!! Pls rewrite as two sentences

. However, this solution can be considered as [delete a/insert the] a quickest way to overcome this serious problem for nearest future

"in the near future" might be better

. Bu[t] for [insert: a] long lasting solution[,] Government[s] should also implement [delete: some] polic[ies] to limit the number of private vehicles on the road, such as by binding company[ies] to not give car[s] to employees

good idea and reasonably well expressed!

.

Introducing metro train service is one of the most effective ways to get rid of

eliminate/reduce

traffic jam[s.] [delete:issue as] t’ll [insert: also] be easily accessible for [insert: the] masses. Time and consumption of fuel can also be saved by introducing it

say what IT is here

, which is also good for [a] healthy environment. This system is also head and shoulders

I am not sure what other IELTS experts feel about idioms such as these....in my blog, I suggest these are perhaps BEST left to writing in the General Module....which carries more weight/is more impressive...an idiom such as 'head and shoulders' or a term such as 'superior'???? I suppose my test is this...could this idiom be used in a formal/academic context? Hmmnn, maybe not easily (unlike 'carries more weight' which has a little more currency in a formal context than 'head and shoulders etc'....so, I'd err on the side of caution...it's obviously a favourite idiom of yours but I am not sure of its usefulness for your IELTS except in the SPEAKING TEST ok

above the strategy of the widening the roads in many ways like vehicle maintenance issue that will also aid government to easily shift people from private transport to public transport

excessively LONG sentence and almost inevitably the accuracy of your phrasing suffers

.

To wrap up, longer lasting project[s]

rethink this...'longer lasting' could be misleading here...you may mean 'projects with longer term benefits'

should be implemented

excellent verb form

to

'resolve traffic congestion issues in big cities' lovely phrasing...very fluent

like

like = YUK

introducing bullet trains and by implementing the policies that will reduce the number of cars on the road rather than only addressing this issue by widening the road.

very good/strong finish to the essay

[there you go...hope that's helpful and with hardwork copy copy copy passages from Reading tests, 2 x 150 per day, as well as writing up your ten hot essay topics & 10 task 1s carefully (NOT under test conditions!!!!) and having them revised by an expert and then rewriting them and revised again, the accuracy of your writing should improve in about a month whereby a 7+ isn't out of your reach because the basic structures of your sentences are good (except for when you try and break the world record for the longest sentence ever written!!!!), your vocab is mostly good (try and eliminate 'like', 'people' & 'some' from your IELTS writing lexicon), and -- finally -- your ideas are good.

IN CONCLUSION.....apols for any typos etc in the above....would like to hear opinions on the best way to segue into your concluding paragraph ('To sum up...'; 'To wrap up...'; 'In summary....' etc etc). imo, whilst these stock phrases are relatively harmless, they can contribute to a perception of an essay that it fits into the 'mediocre' or 'run-of-the-mill' category rather than the outstanding or excellent (which is where you want to be). More and more, I am leaning towards advising AGAINST using stock concluding phrases (eg: To sum up etc) but would appreciate other insights/p.o.v.

[wzncx]

I think you are absolutely right Dr.Matthew, I spent 90% of my focus on task 2, as I thought task1 would be relatively easy. That`s why I always made some mistakes in task1. For example, in the last IELTS test I took, I made a quite serious error in the task1. Unsurprisingly, I got a score of 6.5 in writing while I got pretty good results in other 3 components L 8.5 R 9 S 7.5,which was really an irritating experience. Well, I could`t complain about it since it was my fault. Yes again, I will definitely use your precious methods, and with persistence and a good discipline, I believe I will get the score I want soon.

[asadurk]

Thanks Dr. Matthew for your detailed response against my essay.
I will try my best in my next essay and will submit here for proofreading. Hope your best guidance will aid me to get overall 7 or more bands.
I'm having also trouble in reading and listening test, Can you also suggest me how to prepare for reading and listening tasks. It's also good for me, If you can tell/share me about reading resources related to IELTS academic test.