Please correct my Task 2 essay

[overall 7.5]

Technology evolved gradually over the last century, this quick evolution had an impact on how people interact with each other. This essay will explain how far technology affected people’s relationships, it is becoming easier to communicate with people or it’s the opposite?

Technology has given people a lot of mean of communication starting from mobile phones which are now a must for everyone to have a social life; people can send instant text messages to their family members and friends, make phone calls or video calls and stay in touch with the people their love all over the world.
In addition, it evolved business meeting. Indeed, we don’t need any more to travel long distances to have a meeting or a job interview, it can be done from all over the world all you need is an internet access and a webcam.
However, this evolution changed the way people communicate with each other in face to face relationships; people are now calling instead of visiting, sanding instant messages instead of mailing. So instead of building good relationships with people, technology can restrict physical interactions.
In my daily life, I use technology to communicate with people especially social media websites like Facebook and twitter and email or phone calls for work. I think it made my life easier, I can access and talk to who I want when I want without any delay or wait.
On the other hand, technology makes me lose a lot of my privacy especially on the internet where you can access to my profile and pictures; In fact, just by typing my name you can know a lot of information about me : my profession, where I live, am I single or in a relationship ? Do I have kids ? And it’s very disturbing to know that everyone all over the world can know all these information about you.

Technology evolution does not always positively affect people’s relationships but its making communication easier.

[Mondalch]

Hi I have seen your Task 2 essay written nicely, with better linking words. Cohesion and cohesiveness is addressed nicely. Except for some errors like, means of communication (not mean of communication, second paragraph first line). You may be marked down for framing complex sentences. Use of some good academic words can help enrich your writings. I must refer you to have a look on how to write tast 2 by ryan from youtube. Break your paragraphs more logically, as given:
Introduction:
(paraphrase the question given, and add sentences like "this essay will look at both pros and cons of the technology on relationships".
Supporting paragraph1:
(outline the advantages, ease of access, for eg. moderinzed techniques help people to access their near ones easily, especially at some momentary crisis). Then elaborate how (for example, using a short messaging service, sms from a friend just before a vital interview or examination helps a lot to appease one, shows how technology is serving better in terms of building interpersonal relationships in a positive way).
Supporting paragraph2:
Talk about one disadvantage (On the contrary, some people believe that it has deleterious effects overshadowing its favourable aspects. Technology recurrently restricts individuals to socialize and mingle with their folks in the real world. For instance, it often happens that masses seem outrageously busy in their virtual world and almost ignore the person sitting live in person, thus it devalues the essence of being together and push one to melancholy and dejection.)

Conclusion: If its a discussion essay where you will be looking at both sides then in conclusion sentence state your position/thesis like (Thus it can be concluded that despite the fact that technology offers a wide variety of advantages in terms of convenience and fastest means to reach somebody as and when required its demerits outweigh, considering cultivation of human bonds are hindered to a great extent.) Include some recommendations like (It is recommended that judicious use of these toys may help avoid perplexities in relations).

So to brief its just an idea, I learnt from Ryan's tutorials only, for task 2 (Introduction, supporting para1, supporting para2, conclusion= is the format) only difference between argument and discussion essay is in the former you need to state your thesis (position, for or against) in the introduction paragraph and in case of latter include your thesis in conclusion paragraph. I must say that you have written it very nicely and you have every potential to improve it even better. Hope this may help you. All the best.

Thankyou

[Mondalch]

Introduction:
Recently, the means by which most of the people interact amongst themselves revolutionized because of technological advancements. Some people believe that it made relationships blossom positively, whereas others, consider it a negative development. This essay will look at both pros and cons of the technology on relationships and will draw a logical conclusion.

Supporting Paragraph1:
The positive aspect of technology is people are easily accessible and information can be exchanged at a fastest speed, helping people to stay connected with their near ones every moment. Thus people are always reachable, especially at any momentary crisis. For example, using a short messaging service, sms from a friend just before a vital interview or examination helps a lot to appease one, shows how technology is serving a better support in strengthening interpersonal relationships in a positive way.

Supporting Paragraph2:
On the contrary, some people believe that it has deleterious effects overshadowing its favourable aspects. Technology recurrently restricts individuals to socialize and mingle with their folks in the real world. For instance, it often happens that masses seem outrageously busy in their virtual world and almost ignore the person sitting live in person, thus it devalues the essence of being together and pushes one to melancholy and dejection, causing distress in relations-a negative impact.

Conclusion:
Hence, it can be concluded that despite the fact that technology offers a wide variety of advantages in terms of convenience and fastest means to reach friends and relatives, as and when required, its demerits outweigh, considering cultivation of human bonds are hindered to a great extent. It is recommended that judicious use of these toys may help avoid perplexities in relations.

Word count: 269, Suggestions are welcomed.

[overall 7.5]

Thank you very much Mondalach. I must practice more and more to improve my academic writing.
what score would you give me for this essay ?

[Flick]

Technology has evolved quickly over the last century. This evolution has had an impact on how people interact with each other. This essay will explain how technology has affected people’s relationships; it is becoming easier to communicate with people or the opposite?

Technology has given people several methods of communication, starting with mobile phones which are now a must for everyone to have a social life. People can send instant text messages to their family members and friends, make phone calls or video calls and stay in touch with people all over the world.

In addition, it evolved business meeting.(<--Reword to: "In turn, this has impacted how many businesses are run.") We don’t need to travel long distances any more to have a meeting or a job interview, it can be done from all over the world. All you need is internet access and a webcam.

However, this evolution has changed the way people communicate with each other in face to face relationships. People are now calling instead of visiting, sending instant messages instead of writing a letter. So instead of building good relationships with people, technology can restrict physical interactions.

In my daily life, I use technology to communicate with people, especially social media websites like Facebook and Twitter. I use email and phone calls for work. I think it made my life easier because I can access and talk to whoever I want when I want without any delay.

On the other hand, technology means I have lost a lot of my privacy, especially on the internet where you can access to my profile and pictures. In fact, just by typing my name you can discover a lot of information about me: my profession, where I live, am I single or in a relationship ? Do I have kids ? And it’s very disturbing to know that everyone all over the world can see all this information about you.

Technology does not always positively affect people’s relationships, but it is making communication easier.