Would someone be kind enough to critique my essay?

[terry3218]

Some people think that it is better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. Others, however, believe that boys and girls benefit more from attending mixed schools. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

The topic of whether boys and girls should be taught in mixed schools has been a contentious issue ever since the initiation of women’s rights movements. Some argue that the practice of teaching boys and girls in the same school should be upheld, while others refute this. Both sides of this debate will be analyzed in this essay before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.

In one camp, it is believed that educating boys and girls in a co-education system reaps numerous bounties. For example, most women rights activists contend that instructing males and females together enhances the understanding between the two genders. This equips members of both genders with the necessary skills which can later be transferred into their personal lives, and as result enjoy a higher degree of matrimonial bliss. Thus, it is clear why many people support the idea of co-education.

On the other hand, many consider the practice of educating girls and boys separately is best. For example, Saudi Arabia is often mocked for its conservative culture. Despite this, Saudi Arabia has one of the lowest rape and sexual assault rates in the world. One of the reasons cited for this is the segregation on the basis of gender in the educational institutes. When looking at this side of the debate, the benefits that are derived from separate schools for girls and boys can be seen.

Although both sides of this argument have indisputable virtues, it is felt that practice of educating male and female pupils in the same school is much more of a positive development than negative. Therefore, it is hoped that the trend of co-education schools will continue to be the norm the world over into the foreseeable future.

285 words.

Please also suggest a likely band score.
Cheers.

[Dr.Matthew]

A good effort and certainly in contention for a 7 (imo...): strong verb choices and mostly your sentence forms are accurate and well varied. Again, I would pay attention to how much of the text is framing/signposting...also, a native-speaker (well no one that I know anyway...) would ever use such phrasing (sorry...): "reaps numerous bounties...". "...is very beneficial..."; "...is clearly advantageous...."

The topic of whether boys and girls should be taught in mixed schools has been a contentious issue ever since the initiation of [the] women’s rights movements. Some argue that the practice of teaching boys and girls in the same school should be upheld, while others refute [dispute? contest?] this. Both sides of this debate will be analyzed in this essay before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.

In one camp, it is believed that educating boys and girls in a co-education system reaps numerous bounties. For example, most women rights activists contend that instructing males and females together enhances the understanding between the two genders. This equips members of both genders with the necessary skills which can later be transferred into their personal lives, and as result enjoy a higher degree of matrimonial bliss. Thus, it is clear why many people support the idea of co-education.

On the other hand, many consider the practice of educating girls and boys separately is best. For example, Saudi Arabia is often mocked for its conservative culture. Despite this, Saudi Arabia has one of the lowest rape and sexual assault rates in the world. One of the reasons cited for this is the segregation on the basis of gender in the educational institutes. When looking at this side of the debate, the benefits that are derived from separate schools for girls and boys can be seen.

a very well written paragraph above

Although both sides of this argument have indisputable virtues, it is felt that practice of educating male and female pupils in the same school is much more of a positive development than negative. Therefore, it is hoped that the trend of co-education schools will continue to be the norm the world over into the foreseeable future.

[terry3218]

Hi thanks a lot Dr.Matthew. Since my target band is 8 that means I still need work.

Could you please tell me what's wrong with my this sentence?
" and as result enjoy a higher degree"

and this one

" ever since the initiation of [the] women’s rights"

Thanks once again.

[Prams]

Hi Terry,

I guess you missed the "article" in both the sentences.

..and as [a] result enjoy a higher degree..

..ever since the initiation of [the] women’s rights" (already pointed out by Matthews sir)


Thanks!

[terry3218]

Hi Terry,

I guess you missed the "article" in both the sentences.

..and as [a] result enjoy a higher degree..

..ever since the initiation of [the] women’s rights" (already pointed out by Matthews sir)


Thanks!

oh I see. Thanks for pointing out. I can't believed I missed it

[Prams]

Nevermind.. Anyways your response is excellent imo..

Cheers!

[Dr.Matthew]

Yes Terry, agree with Pram Also agree that it was a very good effort!