University or job after school

[superdoc]

With 1.5 hours it took clearly to long to write this essay. Could anyone be so kind to correct it?
Thanks
Martin

Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

After finishing school in general people feel the need to decide what to do next. The main options they can choose from are to go straight to work or to continue studying in higher education. Nowadays getting a job soon after finishing school can be difficult, because there is no specific job market for people, who did not graduate. Thus many people choose to go to the university. Still some people cannot wait to become independent with a salary and prefer to get a job right after finishing school. In the following paragraphs first I will discuss the advantages of getting a job right after school. After that I will show why most of the people prefer to go to the university.
A not neglegible part of school leavers decide to start a life after school doing a regular job. Some need to have an income to make up a living and cannot afford to study. Others choose to work, because they do not have the ability for a higher education. They often can be skilled manual workers though and choose that track. Still others cannot resist the idea to live their life to the fullest and believe that earning money as soon as they can is the only way to be able to achieve it. Thus, in multiple situations the search for independence can be taken as the reason for young minds to join the workers force as early as after school. It makes sense, that in the situations described above entering the working world is the preferred way to go.
A substantial part of scholars already in their final year in school are planning to continue studying in higher education. Certain professions like for example that of a laywer, a doctor, an architect or an economist require to get a qualification at the university. Other jobs are distributed on the base of competition and are already saturated by graduates. This makes it very difficult for undergraduates to successfully compete for a post with graduates. Still other future freshmen are highly skilled and would be wasted, if they would not go to university. Scholarships can relieve the financial burden to these geniuses among us. Thus, because of the high number of graduates doing jobs that normally wouldn't require a graduate diploma these days a higher education has become an essential requisite to get a post.
It is clear from that, that even if in certain cases getting a job immediately after finishing school appears to be the best choice, most of the time it seems to be more convenient to get a higher education. Thus to be able to compete in a world of graduated workers, it has become necessary to get a higher education providing the proper education and training. In my opinion choosing to go to the university has been proven to lead to success more often than joining the work force right after school and should be the preferred choice.

[SyntaxFox]

Hi Martin, thanks for posting. I've read your work, and I have a few tips for you.

Corrections are in red, and comments are in blue.

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Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

After finishing school, people generally feel the need to decide what to do next. The main options they can choose from are to go straight to work or to continue studying in higher education. Nowadays, getting a job soon after finishing school can be difficult, because there is no specific job market for people (<-- No need for a comma here.) without a degree. (<-- I reworded this just to make it clear that you mean ‘graduating from university’. Some people call leaving school ‘graduating’!) Thus, many people choose to go to university. (<-- No need for ‘the’.) However, (<-- ‘Still’ is too informal to use in this context.) some people cannot wait to become independent and have a salary, so they (<-- I changed ‘with’ to ‘and have’ to make the sentence flow better, so I had to change this as well to avoid repeating the word ‘and’.) prefer to get a job right after finishing school. In the following paragraphs, I (<-- Being concise can demonstrate confidence with English.) will discuss the advantages of getting a job right after school, and then (<-- I joined these sentences together to avoid having to say ‘after that’, which sounds a little informal.) I will show why most people (<-- No need for the extra words.) prefer to go to university. (<-- No need for ‘the’ here.)

Some (<-- Again, being concise is a good idea. Also, the spelling is ‘negligible’.) school leavers decide to start a life after school doing a regular job. Many (<-- I changed this to avoid repetition with the previous sentence.) need to have an income to make a living (<-- It’s incorrect to say ‘make up a living’.) and cannot afford to study. Others choose to work because (<-- No need for a comma here.) they do not have the ability for higher (<-- No need for ‘a’ here.) education. They can often be skilled manual workers, though, and choose that track. Some people cannot resist the idea of living their life to the fullest, and believe that earning money as soon as they can is the only way to be able to achieve this. Thus, in multiple situations, the search for independence can be taken as the reason for young minds to join the workforce as soon as possible after school. (<-- I removed the last sentence because it didn’t add anything to your argument – it just repeated that these people have chosen to work rather than go to university.)

However, (<-- I added this word to differentiate this paragraph from the previous one.) a substantial amount of scholars already in their final year of school are planning to continue studying in higher education. Certain professions, like that (<-- I removed ‘for example’ because the sentence still makes sense without it. The word ‘like’ does the same job of indicating that you are providing an example.) of a lawyer, a doctor, an architect or an economist, require a university qualification. (<-- I took some words out and reworded this to make this more concise.) Other jobs are distributed on the basis of competition, and are already saturated by graduates. This makes it very difficult for undergraduates to successfully compete for a post with graduates. Some young people (<-- This was a little awkward, so I reworded it.) are highly skilled and would be wasted if (<-- No need for the comma.) they did not go to university. Scholarships can relieve their financial burden. (<-- I reworded this because ‘geniuses among us’ was a little too informal.) Thus, because of the high number of graduates doing jobs that normally wouldn't require a graduate diploma, these days higher (<-- No need for ‘a’ here.) education has become an essential requisite to getting a job.

It is clear that (<-- I took some words out to improve the sentence flow.) even if in certain cases getting a job immediately after finishing school appears to be the best choice, most of the time it seems to be more convenient to go to university. (<-- This was a little awkward, so I reworded it.) To be able to compete in a world of graduate workers, it has become necessary to gain more qualifications. (<-- I reworded this to make it more concise.) In my opinion, choosing to go to university (<-- No need for ‘the’.) has been proven to lead to success more often than joining the workforce right after school, and should be the preferred choice.

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I have some advice for you. Watch out for unnecessary words and commas! When you’re talking about ‘going to university’, there’s no need to put ‘the’ before ‘university’ unless you’re talking about one specific university. You wouldn’t say ‘I am going to the school’, so it’s the same thing here. However, it’s important to remember that this rule doesn’t apply to every place you can go to. For example, you wouldn’t say ‘I am going to shopping mall’, or ‘She went to swimming pool’, but you would say ‘They are going to work’. It can be a tricky rule!

Also, it’s important to be concise. This can demonstrate that you’re confident and comfortable with English. At one point, I was able to remove the words ‘for example’ without changing the meaning of the sentence. That can be a useful trick – if you can take a couple of words out of a sentence, and it still flows well, you’re better off without them.

Keep practising,

SyntaxFox

[superdoc]

Tkank you very much for your corrections and advice. Your tips are helping me a lot and I keep them on my mind when I practise.