[First Attempt Ever] Can anyone please comment on my essay (Task 2)

Post your Task 1 or 2 response and/or read the responses of other students and provide feedback.
Post Reply
Rochellethebeast
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Jun 03, 2015 3:48 pm

[First Attempt Ever] Can anyone please comment on my essay (Task 2)

Post by Rochellethebeast »

Question: These days more father stay home and take care of their children while mothers go to work. What are the reasons for it? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Traditionally, mothers' role in a family was to stay at home to raise children while fathers took up the responsibility to support the household financially. Nonetheless, in modern times, it is becoming more common for parents to swap their long-recognised duties to the family.

There are various justifications for the phenomenon. First of all, the advancement of modern societies brings about the improvement of the education system. Schools have become ubiquitous and the development of tertiary educational institutions has been particularly remarkable. As a result, more and more women are able to receive education. Many succeed in entering universities and later secure well-paid jobs, which enables them to make sufficient money to sustain the family. Apart from this, the promotion of gender equality also contributes to the emergence of the said social phenomenon. Females nowadays enjoy equal status and rights as males. The influence of the traditional gender stereotypes is hence weakened. With these changes in fundamental values, it is now socially acceptable for fathers to take the "mothers' role", and vice versa.

Despite the awkwardness, such a social development reflects the modernisation of the human civilisation in respect of the equality of human beings. Yet, from the perspective of the children, it does more harm than good to let fathers be the care-takers of the kids, Men generally pay less attention to details and are not as good as women in expressing their feelings and love. It is likely that children will lack the care and affection they need from their fathers, and this may in turn cause adverse impacts on their growth in childhood and adolescence. A significant amount of scientific researches have also proven the irreplaceable position of mothers in child-rearing. Thus, the switching of roles between parents cannot be regarded as a healthy development.

In conclusion, the spread of the concept of gender equality and the generalisation of female education lead to the situation that fathers stay home to look after children but mothers go to work. Such a development may be detrimental to the kids' growth and should be avoided where possible.


I cannot afford hiring a tutor to mark my work. If help would be highly appreciated! I often make lots of grammatical errors but there is no way I can detect them myself. Please don"t hesitate to point them out. Also, please let me know the approximate score I can get. Thank you in advance! :)
terry3218
Posts: 107
Joined: Sat Mar 28, 2015 3:34 pm

Re: [First Attempt Ever] Can anyone please comment on my essay (Task 2)

Post by terry3218 »

For a first attempt, it's an amazing essay. You seem to have thorough understanding of grammatical mechanics such as commas,hyphens etc. Native speaker, I guess?

In my judgemtn this essay will get around 7-8 bands
faty
Posts: 72
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 4:31 pm

Re: [First Attempt Ever] Can anyone please comment on my essay (Task 2)

Post by faty »

Well.. I am mostly given band 7 for my writing. And your writing is definitely better than mine so ithas to be somewhere between 7.5-8. Also, 2nd para long sentences shouldbe looked at and need revision.
Post Reply