Assess My Essay Please

[geronibro]

Hi, may I please ask for your assessment on my essay? I need to get band 7 on all bands. My last score was 6.5 in writing.

I decided to use simple but varied vocabulary just to make sure I use words properly. Also, I am not very confident with my grammar. Kindly review it as well. Thanks a lot for your time.

QUESTION: The birthrate in most developed countries, is predicted to begin to fall over the next 50 years. By 2030, it is estimated that over one third of the population in most developed countries will be aged 65 and over.

What effects will these predictions have on developed countries if they prove true? What can be done now to deal with this situation?

There is a projection that the population of young generation will decrease for the following 50 years. If that happens, the ratio of youth to senior citizens will be two is to one by 2030. This essay will try to discuss the problems it presents and possible solutions to this issue will be provided.

The abilities of the young generation is unquestionably essential to the economy of a country. Naturally, the scarcity of this working class will bring detrimental effect to the nation for some varied reasons. First, work force for most industries will not be enough. Thus, the demand for manpower and supply for domestic products will not be achieved. This may lead to decreased flow of income and inferior quality of life of people. On the other hand, the increase in number of older people will only mean higher demands. There will be a rise on basic necessities such as healthcare, medications, medical procedures and psychological support, thus, requires huge amount of money. Moreover, they will need more competent caregivers to take care of them.

Although this issue may not happen now, it is recommended to act on it the sooner. One solution is to motivate families to bear more children. In return, the government must offer them incentives to support expenses in raising a child and provide education until college at no cost. This initiative will raise the interest of families to expand family members. In addition, immigration boundaries can be made less strict to allow more foreign workers. This action will boost the number of required manpower. Aside from that, they can also hire more competent workers to take care of the elders.

To sum up, decrease in population may also present serious problems to a nation. Mainly because each country needs people especially younger ones to work towards its progress. Obviously, this is an inevitable issue which we should try to resolve earlier than later.

[Flick]

QUESTION: The birthrate in most developed countries, is predicted to begin to fall over the next 50 years. By 2030, it is estimated that over one third of the population in most developed countries will be aged 65 and over.

What effects will these predictions have on developed countries if they prove true? What can be done now to deal with this situation?

There is a projection that the population of young generation will decrease for the following 50 years.(<--Reword to: "There is a prediction that the average age of the population will increase to 65+ over the next 50 years.") If that happens, the ratio of youth to senior citizens will be two is to one by 2030. This essay will try to discuss the problems this presents, and possible solutions to this issue will be provided.

The abilities of the young generation are unquestionably essential to the economy of a country. Naturally, the scarcity of this working class will bring detrimental effects to the nation for several reasons. First, the work force for most industries will not be enough. Thus, the demand for manpower and supply for domestic products will not be achieved. This may lead to decreased flow of income and inferior quality of life for people. On the other hand, the increase in the number of older people will only mean higher demands. There will be a rise in demand for basic necessities such as healthcare, medications, medical procedures and psychological support, thus, requiring huge amount of money. Moreover, they will need more competent caregivers to take care of them.

Although this issue may not happen immediately, it is recommended to act on it sooner rather than later. One solution is to motivate families to bear more children. In return, the government must offer them incentives to support expenses in raising a child and provide education until college at no cost. This initiative will raise the interest of families to expand family members. In addition, immigration boundaries can be made less strict to allow more foreign workers. This action will boost the levels of manpower. Aside from that, they can also hire more competent workers to take care of elders.

To sum up, a decrease in population may also present serious problems to a nation. Mainly because each country needs people, especially younger ones, to work towards its progress. Obviously, this is an inevitable issue which we should try to resolve earlier than later.

[geronibro]

Thank you so much for your effort. All the best!