need review and band score rating - task 2

[saranyavasudm]

Even though doctors all over the world agree that fast food is bad for people's health, more and more people are eating it.
Why are more people eating fast food?
What can be done about this problem?


Healthy lifestyle is the need of the hour in today's society. Health linearly correlates to the food that we eat.That is why, our ancestors emphasized on having food that has a lot of medicinal and nutritional value. However, in this era, where nobody has time to cook or eat, the fast food is the alluring alternative.

Fast food is opted by many for a number of reasons. The first and most important factor is that, that it is very easily available. For instance, the most popular Vivocity mall in Singapore has numerous burger bars and cafeterias in one hand, while the salad bars are a rarity on the other. Secondly, it is easier to find many mouth wateringly tasty options in fast food, whereas the healthier food ranges are repetitive and boring. Youngsters often prefer to try various varieties of food and the fast food chain owners capitalize on this. Thirdly, in this generation, people do not prefer to cook at home. For example. my lunch group in office consists of 6 newly married ladies who do not know much of cooking, Though, we mostly go to different restaurants everyday, we mostly choose pizzerias and burger bars. We hardy go to any salad bar, given that there is one close to our workplace.

As junk food slowly deteriorates one's health, there is a necessity to take action against this fast food culture. First important step is to educate the children regarding the ill effects of fast food like obesity and heart diseases. Also, the corporate companies can organise health awareness programmes for their employees.Furthermore, such serious issues cannot be tackled without the involvement of the government. The government should take steps like increasing the taxes on the fast food chains, restricting the number of outlets that can be opened in an area and so on.

In conclusion, people should soon start realizing that health is their prime wealth. They should start consciously avoiding junk food and build a healthy lifestyle to set an example for the future generation.

[SpeakWriteAcademy]

Hi there,

A very high standard essay. I would just suggest a few writing style points to making the sentences punchier, for example:
"That is why, our ancestors emphasized on having food that has a lot of medicinal and nutritional value. " - I would remove 'medicinal and'.
"has numerous burger bars and cafeterias in one hand, while the salad bars are a rarity on the other" - I would remove 'in one hand' and 'on the other'
"Though, we mostly go to different restaurants everyday, we mostly choose pizzerias and burger bars. We hardy go to any salad bar, given that there is one close to our workplace." - "When we go out to eat, we mostly choose pizzerias and burger bars instead of salad bars, because there are no salad bars in the vicinity of our workplace".


I hope this helps.

Keep practising, keep trying, and you will keep on improving!

[saranyavasudm]

Hello Jim,

Thank you very much for taking time to review my essay thoroughly. I will take your advice into consideration and try to come up with better sentence constructs.

Thanks again,

Saranya

[saranyavasudm]

Hello Jim,
Could you please let me know under which band would you classify my essay?

Thanks in advance.

Regards,
Saranya