please evaluate my writing task 2

[new.learner]

Some countries make it illegal to work past the age of 65. do you think people should be forced to retire at a certain age?
........................................................................................
In my opinion , yes people above 65 years should be not allowed to work. With increase in age there is a decline in health in many respects which retards the ability of a human to work effectively as compared to young adult.

According to human physiology, brain is made up of neurons which is a building unit.
Some cells stores memory, certain areas are involved in cognitive functions, others deals with intelligence work, decision making abilities. With advancement in age brain cells starts degeneration process, in which many brain cells die and particular brain function is loss. this process is irreversible.Alzheimer’s disease is an example in which memory and cognitive function is lost..Similarly, loss of cerebellar functions leads to difficulty in balancing, writing reading and smoothness in work.

So a person with such difficulties cannot work effectively. A surgeon who is 65 years old operating heart, dealing with life, where delicacy, perfection and patience is required cannot work as perfect as a surgeon who is near 40 with same qualification and same capabilities irrespective of experience.
Similarly, a senior school bus driver with loss of decision making power although a good driver can put lives of many kids in danger in just few minutes in critical circumstances.
According to medical survey , 70% above 65 age and 90% above 75 years have heart diseases who themselves put their life in danger when they face critical situations, leading to hospital load

So in my view, geriatrics above certain age when their medical and visual senses starts compromising, should be forced to retire. Government should start some pension scheme to support those unemployed seniors so that they can live their further life satisfactory. Canada pension plan is an example for seniors above 65 years. Engaging them in some community work or opening old people centres can decrease their unemployment depression.

[jacklincicily]

I can hardly give you a band score of 6 because of the reasons below.
1.Task response is poor in your essay
2.You cannot start your body paragraph with so.
3.Although u have written some logical points you have to connect it with your topic sentence with relevant examples. For example, u have written about human brain and its function, which is not up to the mark because you have to link it with the topic of your essay .
keep working hard.all the best

[Flick]

Some countries make it illegal to work past the age of 65. do you think people should be forced to retire at a certain age?
........................................................................................
In my opinion , yes people above 65 years should be not allowed to work.(<--Reword to: "Some countries make it illegal to work past the age of 65. I agree that people should have to retire at a certain age for several reasons. These reasons will be analyzed below.") With increase in age there is a decline in health in many respects which retards the ability of a human to work effectively as compared to young adult.(<--Delete this sentence because it should not be included in the introduction.)

According to human physiology, the brain is made up of neurons, which are building units.
Some cells store memory, certain areas are involved in cognitive functions, others deal with intelligence work,(<--What is 'intelligence work'?) decision making abilities. With advancement in age brain cells starts degeneration process, in which many brain cells die and particular brain function is loss.(<--Reword to: "As humans age, brain cells start to degenerate. This leads to a loss in brain function and is irreversible.") .Alzheimer’s disease is an example in which memory and cognitive function is lost. Similarly, loss of cerebellar function leads to difficulty in balancing, writing reading and productivity.

A person with such difficulties cannot work effectively. A surgeon who is 65 years old operating on a heart, where delicacy, perfection and patience is required cannot work as well as a surgeon who is near 40 with the same qualifications and same capabilities irrespective of experience.
Similarly, a senior school bus driver with loss of decision making power, although a good driver, can put lives in danger in just few minutes in critical circumstances.
According to a medical survey, 70% of people aged over 65, and 90% over 75 years have heart diseases which put their lives in danger when they face critical situations.

So in my view, people above a certain age when their medical and visual senses start failing should be forced to retire. The government should start some pension scheme to support those unemployed seniors so that they can enjoy their retirement. Canada's pension plan is an example for seniors above 65 years. Engaging them in some community work or opening old people centres can decrease their unemployment depression.