Please assess my writing

Post your Task 1 or 2 response and/or read the responses of other students and provide feedback.
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reader309
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Aug 13, 2015 2:24 pm

Please assess my writing

Post by reader309 »

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Human being always tend to follow footprints of their role models the dawn of time. Throughout history, these role models have different personalities and different effects on their fans as well. It is agreed that today celebrities had negative impact on youth people because of their possessions. This argument will be proven by looking at how health and personalities of young people are affected by following celebrities as their mentors.

First one, nowadays, among of all celebrities actors, actresses, athletics, have more possessions and fans. All thing that we know about them is they have big houses, modern cars and a lot of money. For example, many youth have dream to be a super star, they leave their home town and move to Tehran. However, in the end they never achieve their so suffer from deep depression. This example make it clear that how celebrities' money causes increase rate of depression among young people.

To addition to this, although our celebrities are succeed in their career, it is believed that they have antisocial behavior just because of their money. For instance, last week a famous football player was arrested by police because he could not tolerate one of his fan lay on his luxury car. So, this kind of unacceptable behavior lead to huge street fight amount adolescents when their favorite team was beaten in a game. Thus, It is obvious from this that, charming of celebrities has two side and it would change personalities of the youth people.

After analyzing this two point of view, celebrities have more negative effect on personalities and health of majority of youth. It has been proven that glamour and wealthy of celebrities create a bad example for young people.
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Flick
Grammar Checker
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Joined: Mon Apr 21, 2014 10:06 pm

Re: Please assess my writing

Post by Flick »

reader309 wrote:Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Human being always tend to follow footprints of their role models the dawn of time.(<--Reword to: "Humans have always found role models to aspire to.") Throughout history, these role models have different personalities and different effects on their fans. It is agreed that today celebrities have a negative impact on youth because of their possessions rather than their character. This argument will be proven by looking at how the health and personalities of young people are affected by following celebrities.

Firstly, most celebrities including actors, actresses, and athletes, have many possessions and fans. All we know about them is they have big houses, modern cars and a lot of money. For example, many youths dream about becoming a super star, they leave their home town and move to Tehran. However, in the end they never achieve their dreams, so they suffer from deep depression. This example makes it clear that celebrities showing off their money causes a higher rate of depression among young people.

In addition to this, although our celebrities are successful in their career, it is believed that they display antisocial behavior because of their money. For instance, last week a famous football player was arrested because he could not tolerate one of his fans laying on his luxury car. This kind of unacceptable behavior has led to huge street fights amount adolescents when their favorite team is beaten in a game. Thus, it is obvious from this that celebrity life has two sides, and this is negatively affecting young people's personalities.

After analyzing these points of view, it is clear that celebrities have more negative effects on the personalities and health of the majority of youth. It has been proven that the glamour and wealth of celebrities creates a bad example for young people.
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