Frustrated to achieve band 7. Pls help and check my essay

[Abi28dreyes]

Hi all,

Please have a look at my essay and check my grammar. I will be taking academic exam this march and need to achieve atleast band 7.


Do you feel the effects of tourism are more positive than negative to the host country? Give specific examples to support your answer.

Every argument has two sides and the effects of tourism is no exception. Nowadays, many countries have embraced tourism's advantages due to several benefits it brings. However, others believe that there are drawbacks that shouldn't be taken for granted. It is felt that tourism has more positive sides than negative effects to the host country. In this essay, analyzing its huge impact to economy and improved community services will show this.

On the one hand, the rapid expansion of international tourism has led to employment opportunities that benefits the economy of the host country. For example, according to World Tourism Organization, hotel accomodation sector alone have gained 11.5 billion dollars in 1995 and this figure is expected to double as the year goes by. In addition to this, tourism can generate jobs directly through nightclubs, taxis, restaurants and souvenir sales. Thus, it can be clearly seen why tourism industry greatly boost the economy of a host country positively.

Secondly, increased in community facilities is another significant effect of tourism that is beneficial to local residents. For instance, community infrastructures and services such as sporting and education facilities, public transportation, restaurants and retail business have been developed than it could ever have been without tourism. Because of this, it has improved the quality of life of local citizens making it comfortable and enjoyable. Therefore, this is yet another reason why the argument of tourism is being supported by many.

In summary, after discussing the two positive ramifications of how tourism affects the host country greatly, it is felt that its advantages far outweigh its disadvantages. It is hoped that people will not abuse the worthiness it has brought but instead develop it even more in the forseeable future.

[njty32]

"impact to" should be "impact on"

Is it better to use "Firstly" instead of "on the other hand"?

the rapid expansion of international tourism has led to employment opportunities that benefits the economy of the host country
what the "that" here refers to? should it be
the rapid expansion of international tourism has led to employment opportunities, which benefits the economy of the host country

and this topic sentence mentioned 'international', but the question does not mention it. Will it be a problem?

hotel accomodation sector alone have gained 11.5 billion dollars in 1995 and this figure is expected to double as the year goes by.
has should be have?

tourism industry greatly boost
boost should be boosts?

about your second topic idea, I personally think it's a little bit generalized. It's better to give a live example.
Besides, there may be a gap in your logic.Why tourism improves the facilities in community? you can say because the government can invest the money that earned from tourism to the local comnunites.

Hope it can help you.
Thanks

[Abi28dreyes]

Thank you. Wish you well on your coming exam too.

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

Thank you. Wish you well on your coming exam too.

Check out this link: http://www.textfixer.com/tools/online-w ... p#newText2.

You used "tourism" 10x and it is in the essay question.

As an approximate target, I recommend my IELTS students to use the primary words 1-2x and to avoid the essay question vocabulary as much as possible - also to use a maximum of 10x for each of the basic words.

[Abi28dreyes]

Hi online English teacher,

Thank you for the link you have sent, it is very useful. However, what are the other words that could I have had used for the word tourism?

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

Hi online English teacher,

Thank you for the link you have sent, it is very useful. However, what are the other words that could I have had used for the word tourism?

Holidays / vacations etc. - sometimes it is maybe not possible to change, but where it is, try to do that.