Very kindly mark my essay.

[inaveed]

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

It is very important to train children to be hard-working and motivated from a very early age. Whether it is in academic learning or sports, children should be encouraged to be enthusiastic. Some people believe that this can be achieved by training them to be competitive. Whilst, others believe that children should be taught to be co-operative to each other. Both notions have upsides and downsides as explained below.

Competition works on the principle “the survival of the fittest”. This means that the most competitive person will reap the best reward. Encouraging competition is good as it makes individuals work seriously and effectively. This surely makes them achieve their goals in life. However, they end up becoming very proud. They look down upon others who are not up to their status and don’t co-operate with weak individuals who need help. They even go the extra mile to hamper others from doing well, just to stay on top. For example a competitive student may not share good learning materials to other students as it might make them do well too. Thus, it can be seen that competition leads to lack of compassion.

Co-operation works on a totally different principle. It encourages students to share and care. It promulgates the concept of group learning. Group learning is very beneficial. For example, students can share study materials, learning methodologies. They can help each other in weak areas, have discussions about a subject. The only drawback I can think of in group work is that it makes some individuals weak and dependent on others.

To sum up, in as much as competition promotes hard work stringently, it can make an individual less social. Co-operation on the other hand certainly makes people sympathetic to each other. Hence, I support the motion that children should learn co-operation rather than competition as this will inhabit a brilliant personality in them and make them an asset for the society.

[Ryan]

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

It is very important to train children to be hard-working and motivated from a very early age. Whether it is in academic learning or sports, (<--"Academic learning" grammatically makes sense, but it is a word coupling that is colloquially awkward. Change this area to something like: "Whether engaging their studies or sport, ...") children should be encouraged to be enthusiastic. Some people believe that this can be achieved by training them to be competitive, while others believe that children should be taught to be co-operativive with each other. Both notions have upsides and downsides as explained below.

Competition works on the principle of “the survival of the fittest”. (<--Avoid loose quotations like this. Put this reference into your own words: "Firstly, at the basis of competition is the idea that only the fittest survive.") This means that the most competitive person will reap the best reward. Encouraging competition is good as it makes individuals work seriously and effectively. (<--Add weight to your argument by sharing an example that shows this point in action.) This surely makes them achieve their goals in life. (<--Surely? The best way to convince your reader of your position is to share an example.) However, they end up becoming very proud. They look down upon others who are not up to their status and don’t co-operate with weak individuals who need help. They even go the extra mile to hamper others from doing well, just to stay on top. For example a competitive student may not share good learning materials to other students as it might make them do well too. (<--You should rethink the structure of this paragraph. Anchoring your position with an example early on and then discussing it is a much stronger way to persuade the reader of your position.) Thus, it can be seen that competition leads to lack of compassion.

Co-operation works on a totally different principle. (<--This wording does provide a loose connection to the previous paragraph, but you could strengthen this further by including a cohesive phrase.) It encourages students to share and care. It promulgates the concept of group learning. Group learning is very beneficial. (<--You tend to write in a stream-of-conscious manner. To sound more academic, group your sentences logically. Don't allow yourself to write whatever pops into your head. For example, these first few sentences would read much better if written: "However, cooperation operates on a totally different principle, as it requires young people to empathize with the needs of others.") For example, students can share study materials and learning methodologies. They can help each other in weak areas and have discussions about a subject. The only drawback I (<--You have avoided personal language thus far. Be consistent by avoiding its use here.) can think of in group work is that it makes some individuals weak and dependent on others. (<--These are very good points, Inaveed. However, as I've mentioned, I feel the manner in which you structure your sentences and paragraphs isn't very academic nor logical. This paragraph should make a strong declaration of the supporting point being made (topic sentence), equally strong evidence depicting the point in action (example), discussion about the example and specifically what can be logically concluded from the example in relation to the topic sentence (discussion) and a conclusive area that ties this entire paragraph back to the central theme of the essay and the essay question (conclusion sentence). By employing a better structure, I think you could easily take this demonstration to the next level.)

To sum up, in as much as competition promotes hard work stringently, it can make an individual less social. Co-operation on the other hand certainly makes people sympathetic to each other. Hence, I support the motion that children should learn co-operation rather than competition as this will instill a brilliant personality in them and make them an asset to society.

Hi Inaveed,

I think you are a strong writer in many ways. There are sentences in this demonstration that are grammatically flawless. The lexical resources you pull from are fitting and accurate in most cases.

However, you have allowed yourself to develop a few bad habits. For one, I sense quite a bit of this piece has poured out of your head without much concern for structure. This is unfortunate, as many of the points you make are strong and if organized differently, could be part of a very solid piece of writing.

In addition to this, I don't feel the conclusion you draw in your second supporting paragraph connects fluently to the rest of the essay. Remember that you should be demonstrating cohesion at more than just the sentence level. In addition to helping with the cohesive health of your writing, linking back to the central theme of your essay is an easy way to ensure a clear link to the essay question can be seen.

I would guess you could score as high as band 6.5 with this response.

Good luck,
Ryan

[inaveed]

Hi Ryan,

Thanks a tonne for answering my essay.

The only unfortunate thing is that, I thought I will get an email when my essay is marked. I have been regularly checking it before. But since no one answered after 5 posts, I lost hope and didn't come back. I am seeing the response only after having done the exam.

You are very right about the structures. And I think I should have given an example in each paragraph to be more convincing. I remember doing the same mistake in my exam. I kept on writing because I thought I was indirectly giving examples. I didn't clearly write the examples.

I just hope I can make my target which is band 7. I will get back when my results are out. Your site and your videos are more than awesome. And when you comment on answers, you deserve more than what people just write (thanks ) in a single line.

Regards,
Asad