I have test on 19 september, please comment on my essay

[khusro017]

It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sport person or musician.
Discuss both points of view and give your opinion.


My response:

It is a common fact that every person wants to become more and more successful one way or another. However, the key element for success is always been a debated topic the world over. Many believed that some people are born with specific talents and other are not, while some refuted this idea and they think that any child can be taught to become a good sport person or musician. This essay will analyze these points of view prior to reaching to a reasoned conclusion.

On the one hand, many people argued that natural talent is always been a key element to a successful career of every individual person around the world. Take a cricket player who is born with the require talent, for example. This example makes it that a player who is born with specific ability of playing cricket is always seen a successful person than others who are taught. Thus, this is understandable why many people support this point of view.

On the other hand, some people claimed that any child can be taught to become a successful person in a specific field and this success is not really dependent on natural talents. For instance, by providing a better learning environment and training, anyone can be taught to boom in a specific field and to become more successful. This example clearly shows that natural ability is not a key component for good careers. Thus, it is clear why many people gravitate towards this idea.

After analyzing these points of view, it is felt that better training is a key element to a successful career and it cannot be ignored. It is expected that by providing better training, one can be taught to become successful in any field.

[khusro017]

hi.
I know the the essay is full of errors, but at least tell me how much band can i get if write an essay like this one in real IELTS test.

[lingxia]

QQ图片20150922002050.png (52.86 KiB) Viewed 651 times

I think it is probably a 5.5-6.0 level essay.
Problems identified
No.1 examples are too general and less convincing.
No.2 too much repetitions on the structure of sentences.
No.3 try to use linking words to improve cohesion

hope you pass your exam