introduction: need your advices on writing more advanced

[DicroticNotch]

Dear Ryan and friends..

I am going to take General IELTS in a month. I purpose to get at least 6.

I have been struggling to write an effective introduction for a while..Although I believe I am getting better at this, I still need to make sure if I am on the right way. I am going to post two of introductions I wrote. Please help me to correct myself and give advices to make it seem more advance. Please don't hesitate to recommend any new words, collocations, shortening the sentences using linking words etc.

I would really appreciate it..

Thank you for that in advance.

1- Public transportation is a great way to travel, particularly within a metropolis.The metro is the most convenient way to get around a city. Do you agree or disagree?

Public transports are undoubtedly indispensible vehicles to travel around a city. Nowadays, the metro has been enormously popular. Nevertheless, it is disagreed that the metro is more convenient than other options since metro destinations are limited to certain points as well as ticket fares are relatively more expensive.

2- Increasingly, the western world has been outsourcing its labour-related jobs to cheaper alternatives available in less-developed countries. Although this creates opportunities for people in poorer nations, it is a policy that is criticized by many in the west. Write an essay response supporting the case for the outsourcing of labour related jobs.

High wage rates in developed western countries have been leading manufacturers to supply the required workforce from 3rd world countries, although there are a lot of arguements stated against to this policy. However, the win-win outcomes of this trade strategy should not be overlooked. In this essay this beneficial outcomes will be shown by analysing how manufacturers can increase the revenue and support the developments of poorer nations.

[saqibali]

But where are essays?

[Chi]

I think you are on the right track. Your introductions are clear and straight to the point. Just pay attention to your grammar and sometimes choice of words, but overall I think it's fine.

Below are some of my thoughts:

1- Public transportation is a great way to travel, particularly within a metropolis.The metro is the most convenient way to get around a city. Do you agree or disagree?

Public transports are undoubtedly indispensible vehicles to travel around a city. Nowadays, the metro has (become) been enormously popular (I have a bit of problem with this assertion because in many parts of the world, the metro system has not been developed yet, so consider to be more specific). Nevertheless, it is disagreed that the metro is more convenient than other options since metro destinations are limited to certain points as well as ticket fares are relatively more expensive (More expensive than what?).

2- Increasingly, the western world has been outsourcing its labour-related jobs to cheaper alternatives available in less-developed countries. Although this creates opportunities for people in poorer nations, it is a policy that is criticized by many in the west. Write an essay response supporting the case for the outsourcing of labour related jobs.

High wage rates in developed western countries have been leading (I prefer using "have led" than present continuous tense) manufacturers to [supply the required workforce from 3rd world countries]<= this phrase is not clear, I would rewrite it: "...shift the work to the third world countries where labour is significantly cheaper"(.), Although there are a lot of arguements stated against [to<=removed] this policy, [However,<=removed] the win-win outcomes of this trade strategy should not be overlooked. In this essay this beneficial outcomes will be shown by analysing how manufacturers can increase the revenue and support the developments of poorer nations.

Considering our thesis, I think "should not be overlooked" is not quite strong. I would rewrite the how sentence as follows: "Although this policy has received much criticism, the benefits that it brings about are visible and plausible."

Referring to your last sentence, I personally like using active voice instead of passive voice as it makes your argument stronger, I would rewrite: "This essay is going to discuss how out-sourcing labour-related work to the developing countries can help increase profit margin for the manufacturers as well as support the development of the poorer nations."

Let me know what you agree with my comments

[bond_bhai]

I am no expert on this, but let me give it a shot -

1. Traffic congestion has been increasing in cities all over the world. This has made public transport a preferred choice of travel in urban areas. Especially the subway trains popularly called as Metros are hugely popular.

2. Globalization and advent of technology have made it very easy for companies to shift jobs across the world. The phenomenon of sending jobs outside the country is not new and has been in practice for a long time. There are many who advocate this idea but others have expressed strong opposition to this practice. Offshoring of jobs has several advantages and is in a away inevitable.

What do you think? Is this any good? Any suggestions/criticisms welcome!

[DicroticNotch]

Hello Chi, first of all I am sorry for my late reply. I had read your reply but couldnt have time to go through and reply on time.

Secondly, thank you for your help. It mean a lot to me especially in terms of gaining new perspective on writing essay introduction.

I rewrote my introductions under your guidance.

However, I have few questions..

High wage rates in developed western countries have led manufacturers to supply the required workforce from 3rd world countries where the labour is significantly cheaper. ] (Is that a more clear sentence now? or do you think using 'shift' is a better idea? The reason why I ask is to confirm if I can use words correctly. I mean, can outsource be substituted by supply? )Although there are a lot of arguements stated against this policy the win-win outcomes of this trade strategy are visible and plausible. (I couldn't exactly understand why my statement wasn't strong enough? Was the problem wrong usage of the modal verb? On the other hand 'plausible means that seeming likely to be true, or able to be believed, It is a new word to me, is it still a strong word to use to make the suggestion sounds stronger? [/color ]

High wage rates in developed western countries have been leading (I prefer using "have led" than present continuous tense) manufacturers to [supply the required workforce from 3rd world countries]<= this phrase is not clear, I would rewrite it: "...shift the work to the third world countries where labour is significantly cheaper"(.), Although there are a lot of arguements stated against [to<=removed] this policy, [However,<=removed] the win-win outcomes of this trade strategy should not be overlooked. In this essay this beneficial outcomes will be shown by analysing how manufacturers can increase the revenue and support the developments of poorer nations.

Considering our thesis, I think "should not be overlooked" is not quite strong. I would rewrite the how sentence as follows: "Although this policy has received much criticism, the benefits that it brings about are visible and plausible."

Referring to your last sentence, I personally like using active voice instead of passive voice as it makes your argument stronger, I would rewrite: "This essay is going to discuss how out-sourcing labour-related work to the developing countries can help increase profit margin for the manufacturers as well as support the development of the poorer nations."

1- Public transportation is a great way to travel, particularly within a metropolis.The metro is the most convenient way to get around a city. Do you agree or disagree?

Public transports are undoubtedly indispensible vehicles to travel around a city. Particularly, the usage of the metro has (become) enormously popular since it came into our lives (What do you think?). Nevertheless, it is disagreed that the metro is more convenient than other options since metro destinations are limited to certain points as well as ticket fares are relatively more expensive than other options. Well, I already wrote this and I thought I dont need to repeat it since I think it is clear, isn't it? If not, I need to reorganise the sentence.

I would like to hear more feedback regarding this introductions. Thank you very much again.

[DicroticNotch]

Hi, Bond_bhai, thank you for your reply and sorry for my late reply.

As far as I am concerned, you are on the right track, too. However, You need to make a statement regarding whether you agree or not. Because It is an arguement task and the examiner wants to see your side. In addition, the last sentence of the intro must have an outline sentence which mentions as to why you agree or not as in my sentences. You can find a lot of information about different type of essays and which way you should fallow for each of them. Ryan has good videos on youtube bytheway.

I am no expert on this, but let me give it a shot -

1. Traffic congestion has been increasing in cities all over the world. This has made public transport a preferred choice of travel in urban areas. Especially the subway trains popularly called as Metros are hugely popular.

2. Globalization and advent of technology have made it very easy for companies to shift jobs across the world. The phenomenon of sending jobs outside the country is not new and has been in practice for a long time. There are many who advocate this idea but others have expressed strong opposition to this practice. Offshoring of jobs has several advantages and is in a away inevitable.

What do you think? Is this any good? Any suggestions/criticisms welcome!

[DicroticNotch]

But where are essays?

I want to focus on introduction at the moment, then I will be writing the rest. Hope to see your suggestions about them.

Thank you.