Hello,
Please review my task 1 adademic writing -the bar chart is in the attachment.
Thanks,
Mark.
The number of men in full time education rose steadily through the three periods. Initially in 1970/1971 there were approximately 100,000 in full time education. This rose to just under 300,000 by 1990/91.
In contrast the number of men in part time education fell between 1970/71 and 1980/81, but rose slightly between 1980/81 and 1990/91. Overall there was a net reduction of about 100,000.
Regarding the women, initially there was a lower amount (compared to men) in full time education in 1970/71. This rose sharply between 1970/71 and 1980/81, but less so between 1980/81 and 1990/91. By 1990 the number of women in full time education was comparable to that of men.
In 1970/71 there was a significantly lower number of women than men in part time education. Approximately 750,000 women were in part time education whereas the figure for men was 1,000,000. The figure for women increased most significantly in the period between 1980/81 and 1990/91 when it reached approximately 1,100,000, surpassing the figure for men.
Over all we can see that the number of women in both full and part time increased over the three periods where as the number of men only increased in full time education, falling for part time education.
Please review my task one academic writing
Please review my task one academic writing
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SyntaxFox
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Re: Please review my task one academic writing
Hi Mark, thanks for posting. I’ve read your work, and I have a few tips for you.
Corrections are in red, and comments are in blue.
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The number of men in full-time education rose steadily between 1970 and 1990. (<-- There was nothing wrong with your sentence, but I felt it needed to sound more like an introduction.) Initially in 1970/1971, there were approximately 100,000 men in full-time education. This had risen (<-- I reworded this to make the sentence flow better.) to just under 300,000 by 1990/91.
In contrast, the number of men in part-time education fell between 1970/71 and 1980/81, but rose slightly between 1980/81 and 1990/91. Overall, there was a net reduction of about 100,000.
Regarding the women, initially there was a lower amount (compared to men) in full-time education in 1970/71. This rose sharply between 1970/71 and 1980/81, but less so between 1980/81 and 1990/91. By 1990, the number of women in full-time education was comparable to that of men.
In 1970/71, there was a significantly lower number of women than men in part-time education. Approximately 750,000 women were in part-time education at this time, (<-- I added this for clarification.) whereas the figure for men was 1,000,000. The figure for women increased most significantly in the period between 1980/81 and 1990/91, when it reached approximately 1,100,000, surpassing the figure for men.
Overall, we can see that the number of women in both full- and part-time (<-- I wrote ‘full-‘ with a dash because the whole word is ‘full-time’. If you take out the ‘time’ to avoid repetition with ‘part-time’, you need to keep the dash.) education increased over the three periods, whereas the number of men only increased in full-time education, falling for part-time education.
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I have some advice for you. Firstly, don’t forget the dash in ‘full-time’ and ‘part-time’. It may not seem that important, but the question uses a dash, so you must too. It’s very important to use exactly the same terminology as the question.
Secondly, don’t underestimate the importance of commas! They provide useful breaks in sentences, and help improve the flow of your writing. Try reading sentences aloud or in your head. When you pause for breath, or you ‘hear’ a pause in your head, it’s probably a good place to use a comma.
Keep practising,
SyntaxFox
Corrections are in red, and comments are in blue.
----
The number of men in full-time education rose steadily between 1970 and 1990. (<-- There was nothing wrong with your sentence, but I felt it needed to sound more like an introduction.) Initially in 1970/1971, there were approximately 100,000 men in full-time education. This had risen (<-- I reworded this to make the sentence flow better.) to just under 300,000 by 1990/91.
In contrast, the number of men in part-time education fell between 1970/71 and 1980/81, but rose slightly between 1980/81 and 1990/91. Overall, there was a net reduction of about 100,000.
Regarding the women, initially there was a lower amount (compared to men) in full-time education in 1970/71. This rose sharply between 1970/71 and 1980/81, but less so between 1980/81 and 1990/91. By 1990, the number of women in full-time education was comparable to that of men.
In 1970/71, there was a significantly lower number of women than men in part-time education. Approximately 750,000 women were in part-time education at this time, (<-- I added this for clarification.) whereas the figure for men was 1,000,000. The figure for women increased most significantly in the period between 1980/81 and 1990/91, when it reached approximately 1,100,000, surpassing the figure for men.
Overall, we can see that the number of women in both full- and part-time (<-- I wrote ‘full-‘ with a dash because the whole word is ‘full-time’. If you take out the ‘time’ to avoid repetition with ‘part-time’, you need to keep the dash.) education increased over the three periods, whereas the number of men only increased in full-time education, falling for part-time education.
----
I have some advice for you. Firstly, don’t forget the dash in ‘full-time’ and ‘part-time’. It may not seem that important, but the question uses a dash, so you must too. It’s very important to use exactly the same terminology as the question.
Secondly, don’t underestimate the importance of commas! They provide useful breaks in sentences, and help improve the flow of your writing. Try reading sentences aloud or in your head. When you pause for breath, or you ‘hear’ a pause in your head, it’s probably a good place to use a comma.
Keep practising,
SyntaxFox