There are myriad employees in different ages and experiences in today’s companies. Despite the fact that some of them are 55 years old or over, there is still some reluctance on those employees to become involved in retirement and think about leaving the job in order to replace their duty with more energetic generation-the youth one. I will explain my agreement with the exhortation should be given to those, who are unsuitable for working because of senescence.
Numerous points endorse to former statement. First and foremost, each company would like to be successful with its execution of work. To execute successful work they need to hire new generation with the acquisition of modern knowledge and experience rather than monotone capacity over years. Young candidates have civil right to get involved in new jobs by putting their whole enthusiasm and energy in experience and to earn money in return of their effort in lieu of desperately searching for good enough job.
On the other hand, some people who are over 55 years old hesitate to retire because of several justifications. One of the reasons of hesitation is about lower price of pension compared to current salary they get. They are afraid of supporting their family improperly by this pension.
Moreover, another hesitation could be about the fear of losing the job they have adjusted for many years. Some of them are still workaholic in spite of continuous aging, as it is quite understandable issue. To obliterate all of this fear, government should directly care by increasing their pension and giving them more appropriate activities they could indulge.
To recapitulate briefly, I incline to the view that companies should encourage old employees to get retired and hire younger and more powerful candidates in order to be more successful and productive in work areas. Government should also intervene in this issue by satisfying their requests and by meeting their needs.
Companies should encourage old employees (55 years old) to r
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SyntaxFox
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Re: Companies should encourage old employees (55 years old)
Hi Aylan, thanks for posting. I’ve read your work, and I have a few tips for you.
Corrections are in red, and comments are in blue.
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There are myriad employees of different ages and experience (<-- When referring to familiarity gained through prior events, such as previous jobs, it’s always ‘experience’. ‘Experiences’ refers to things you’ve taken part in or observed, like paragliding or riding a camel.) in today’s companies. Despite the fact that some of them are 55 years old or over, there is still some reluctance from those employees to retire and hand over their duties to a more energetic generation – the youth. (<-- This sentence was overly complicated, so I simplified it without losing the meaning. Complex sentences are not a bad thing, but it’s important to ensure they don’t become confusing or too lengthy.) I will explain my agreement with the belief that advice and encouragement should be given to those who are unsuitable for working due to their advanced age. (<-- Unfortunately this sentence made little sense because the language used was overly complex. Also, there was an unnecessary comma. I have rewritten it, although I may have deviated from your intended meaning – I wasn’t sure exactly what you meant to say.)
Numerous points endorse the former statement. First and foremost, every company (<-- I changed ‘each’ to ‘every’ because ‘each’ implies that you’re talking about specific, named companies.) would like to be successful in its execution of work. To execute successful work they need to hire a new generation that has acquired (<-- This didn’t quite make sense, so I reworded it. I kept your use of ‘acquired’ / ‘acquisition’ though, because it’s a good word to use.) modern knowledge and experience. (<-- I was unsure what you meant by ‘monotone capacity over years’, so I removed it. The word ‘monotone’ refers specifically to speech or noises – did you mean ‘monotonous’?) Young candidates have the civil right to get involved in new jobs by putting their whole enthusiasm and energy into the experience, and to earn money in return for their efforts, in lieu of desperately searching for a good enough job.
On the other hand, some people who are over 55 years old hesitate to retire because of several justifications. One of the reasons for hesitation is the lower price of a pension compared to the current salary they earn. (<-- This sentence seemed to be missing a few important words like ‘a’ and ‘the’.) They are afraid of supporting their family improperly with this pension.
Moreover, another hesitation could be the (<-- No need for the word ‘about’.) fear of losing the job they have been accustomed to (<-- This was an incorrect use of ‘adjusted’. Saying that someone ‘adjusted’ something means that they corrected or fixed it somehow. You can be adjusted TO something, but ‘accustomed’ was still a better word here.) for many years. Some of them are still workaholics in spite of their continuous ageing, which is quite an understandable issue. To obliterate this (<-- I removed some words to make your sentence flow better.) fear, governments should directly care for them by increasing their pension and giving them more appropriate activities to take part in. (<-- ‘Indulge’ is a good word, but it didn’t fit here.)
To recapitulate briefly, I am inclined to the view that companies should encourage old employees to retire and hire younger and more powerful candidates in order to be more successful and productive in work areas. Governments should also intervene in this issue by satisfying their requests and by meeting their needs.
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I have some advice for you. Firstly, I understand that using a wide range of vocabulary is important, but the guidelines for Band 9 indicate that language should feel ‘very natural and sophisticated’. In some places, this natural essence was lost because you chose overly obscure words. These can cloud the meaning of a sentence and create confusion. There are plenty of excellent alternative words that fit naturally into written English while remaining complex – so I’d suggest taking an objective look at a thesaurus.
Secondly, I felt that some of your sentences were too long. Being concise can demonstrate true confidence with English. I’d recommend two methods for dealing with this. You can try removing surplus words that don’t add to the meaning of the sentence. You can also try breaking sentences up, either through strategically-placed commas or by splitting them into two shorter ones.
I enjoyed reading your work, and I would grade it Band 6.
Keep practising,
SyntaxFox
Corrections are in red, and comments are in blue.
----
There are myriad employees of different ages and experience (<-- When referring to familiarity gained through prior events, such as previous jobs, it’s always ‘experience’. ‘Experiences’ refers to things you’ve taken part in or observed, like paragliding or riding a camel.) in today’s companies. Despite the fact that some of them are 55 years old or over, there is still some reluctance from those employees to retire and hand over their duties to a more energetic generation – the youth. (<-- This sentence was overly complicated, so I simplified it without losing the meaning. Complex sentences are not a bad thing, but it’s important to ensure they don’t become confusing or too lengthy.) I will explain my agreement with the belief that advice and encouragement should be given to those who are unsuitable for working due to their advanced age. (<-- Unfortunately this sentence made little sense because the language used was overly complex. Also, there was an unnecessary comma. I have rewritten it, although I may have deviated from your intended meaning – I wasn’t sure exactly what you meant to say.)
Numerous points endorse the former statement. First and foremost, every company (<-- I changed ‘each’ to ‘every’ because ‘each’ implies that you’re talking about specific, named companies.) would like to be successful in its execution of work. To execute successful work they need to hire a new generation that has acquired (<-- This didn’t quite make sense, so I reworded it. I kept your use of ‘acquired’ / ‘acquisition’ though, because it’s a good word to use.) modern knowledge and experience. (<-- I was unsure what you meant by ‘monotone capacity over years’, so I removed it. The word ‘monotone’ refers specifically to speech or noises – did you mean ‘monotonous’?) Young candidates have the civil right to get involved in new jobs by putting their whole enthusiasm and energy into the experience, and to earn money in return for their efforts, in lieu of desperately searching for a good enough job.
On the other hand, some people who are over 55 years old hesitate to retire because of several justifications. One of the reasons for hesitation is the lower price of a pension compared to the current salary they earn. (<-- This sentence seemed to be missing a few important words like ‘a’ and ‘the’.) They are afraid of supporting their family improperly with this pension.
Moreover, another hesitation could be the (<-- No need for the word ‘about’.) fear of losing the job they have been accustomed to (<-- This was an incorrect use of ‘adjusted’. Saying that someone ‘adjusted’ something means that they corrected or fixed it somehow. You can be adjusted TO something, but ‘accustomed’ was still a better word here.) for many years. Some of them are still workaholics in spite of their continuous ageing, which is quite an understandable issue. To obliterate this (<-- I removed some words to make your sentence flow better.) fear, governments should directly care for them by increasing their pension and giving them more appropriate activities to take part in. (<-- ‘Indulge’ is a good word, but it didn’t fit here.)
To recapitulate briefly, I am inclined to the view that companies should encourage old employees to retire and hire younger and more powerful candidates in order to be more successful and productive in work areas. Governments should also intervene in this issue by satisfying their requests and by meeting their needs.
----
I have some advice for you. Firstly, I understand that using a wide range of vocabulary is important, but the guidelines for Band 9 indicate that language should feel ‘very natural and sophisticated’. In some places, this natural essence was lost because you chose overly obscure words. These can cloud the meaning of a sentence and create confusion. There are plenty of excellent alternative words that fit naturally into written English while remaining complex – so I’d suggest taking an objective look at a thesaurus.
Secondly, I felt that some of your sentences were too long. Being concise can demonstrate true confidence with English. I’d recommend two methods for dealing with this. You can try removing surplus words that don’t add to the meaning of the sentence. You can also try breaking sentences up, either through strategically-placed commas or by splitting them into two shorter ones.
I enjoyed reading your work, and I would grade it Band 6.
Keep practising,
SyntaxFox