Please rate my writing

[australianwannabe]

This came from Cambridge 10, writing test Task 2:

Present a written argument: "It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behaviour to children?"

My writing is below:

Growing up and having experience punishment from parents or teachers is pretty normal. I suppose it’s safe to assume that everyone had gone through it and these were done to teach us a lesson to become a better person i.e. to know and distinguish good from evil. There are, however, notions or arguments if it is really necessary and can we devise new ways in reinforcing teaching right from wrong?
Personally, I would agree that punishment should be used in instilling discipline to our children. I’ll make a simple analogy, a young tree that has been just planted would need some sort of a support ie it is being tied up to support post. That will help its stem to thicken and roots to get a stronghold. These, however, need not to be physical. It can be done psychologically such as grounding your kid for a day with no toys. Even I had learned the hard way, I was spanked and got beaten, but to that I hold no grudges. In fact, I’m grateful with grandparents and teachers. If it were not for them, I wouldn’t be here where I am now and turned out to be fine. Nevertheless, I would never advocate such treatment to children since this could have a negative impact on children. An alternative would be positive reinforcement, where every good deed that your child does will be rewarded and the otherwise will entitle them with nothing.
In summary, it is necessary for parents and teachers in teaching children but it need not to be physical punishment but he/she could resort to the alternative, reward system as I may call it.

[Flick]

"It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behaviour to children?"

My writing is below:

Growing up and being punished by parents or teachers is pretty normal. It’s safe to assume that everyone has gone through this, and it was done to teach us a lesson to become better people, i.e. to know and distinguish good from evil. There are, however, people who question if punishment is really necessary and if we can devise new ways to reinforce good behaviour and discourage bad behaviour.

Personally, I would agree that punishment should be used in instilling discipline in our children. I’ll make a simple analogy: a young tree that has just been planted needs some sort of a support such as a support post. That will help its stem to thicken and roots to get a stronghold. Our supports, however, need not be physical. It can be done psychologically such as grounding your kid for a day with no toys. I was spanked and beaten, but to that I hold no grudges. In fact, I’m grateful to my grandparents and teachers. If it were not for them, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Nevertheless, I would never advocate such treatment of children since this could have a negative impact on them. An alternative would be positive reinforcement, where every good deed that your child does is rewarded and otherwise will entitle them with nothing.

In summary, it is necessary for parents and teachers to teach children, but it need not be physical punishment. An alternative could be to use a reward system to reinforce good behaviour.