Please review my Task 2 essay and give possible band score

[Doni Nacho]

Topic : More and more people are relying on the provate cars as their major means of transportation. Describe problems overreliance on cars can cause amd suggest at least one possible solution.


In today's world, it has been witnessed tremendous changes in the lifestyle of humanity that the role of vehicles has increased. An overwhelming majority of people consider that overutilizing the cars has disadvantageous effect to both government and individuals. In the next paragraphs, the issues caused by the phenomenon stated above will be analyzed and frasible solution is given

The first problem can be related to the damage of natural habitat. Precisely, nowadays most of the cars are producing a large amount of exhaust fumes and thus are leading to the further problems of air pollution and global warming. To exemplify, most of the metropolitan cities, such as New York and Tokyo, are facing the environmental issues because of overusing private vehicles.

Apart from this, it is commonly believed that that, relying on transports permanently is causing harm for the health of individuals. Instead of wandering around the city, every work or destination is reached with the aid of private cars. Consequently, the laziness of people is increasing and various illnesses such as overweight are being born amidst people.

Nonetheless, as it is never late to learn, feasible solutions can be made so as to deter people from suffering from the issues mentioned above. First and foremost, government should imply the regulations in minimising the driving hours in a day and increasing the tax for vehicles. Furthermore, increasing the awareness of people about the repercussions of overrelying on cars and suggesting people to utilize public transport can be an opimal way to distinguish the issues.

To conclude, as the negative contributors of owning private cars have become more obvious, both individuals as well as government should take actions to stop the harm to environment and healthcare of humanity.
296 words

[Teacher]

Dear Doni

You need to simplify your writing and improve clarity.



Introduction: paraphrase the question and state your position. (In IELTS, every essay type requires you to give a position, whether it says to give your opinion or not.)

Body Paragraph 1: The problems caused by too many people using private cars. You could use any ideas such as these, but make sure you give an appropriate example for any you use.
• practical = congestion in cities
• environmental = pollution, loss of habitat
• physical = health problems
• psychological = isolation, road rage
and so on.

Body paragraph 2: One (or more) solutions. Again, use any ideas, but add examples for any you give.
• Legal – laws to reduce driving hours
• Economic – tax on private cars, subsidies on public transport, taxis etc.
• Educational – make people aware
• Practical – provide alternative (public) transport,
and so on.

Conclusion: sum up your ideas and restate your position.

I hope that helps,
Kind regards,
Teacher Jill

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Doni,
Let's take a look paragraph by paragraph.

Introduction - I think the 2 main problems here are unnatural phrasing (e.g. the phenomenon stated above) and grammar mistakes that create difficulties for the reader (e.g. the first sentence, which might be rephrased as "The modern world has witnessed tremendous lifestyle changes, which motor vehicles have contributed to."

First main para - As above. In addition, the word 'precisely' is used to introduce something that is not precise.

Second main para - The use of 'every' suggests that nobody is using other forms of transport (e.g. buses, bicycles). Is laziness caused by cars or is it that people who use cars are lazy? People have been overweight for centuries, so the problem wasn't 'born' with cars.

Third main para - The solutions are not clearly developed. Minimising the driving hours? Increasing tax may not work - Britain, Vietnam, China, and Singapore are all examples where this has not reduced demand for cars. 'Suggesting' that people use public transport? The introduction states that most people are aware of the problems, yet this paragraph suggests that increasing awareness is a solution.

Conclusion - Very general. Change 'contributors' to 'effects'.

Overall, there are many problems with the way in which ideas are expressed, with grammatical errors and vocabulary mistakes not helping. Ideas are almost always very general and not developed.

Suggestions:
1. Don't use words unless you can use them correctly and naturally.
2. Cut down on sentence length to improve coherence and possibly to reduce the number of grammatical errors.
3. Work on ideas, arguments and development.
4. Be wary of over-simplifying.

All the best,
David

[Doni Nacho]

Thank you Mr David.
I will try to follow your instructions and which score can I get for this essay?
Thanks a lot

[Doni Nacho]

Dear Jill
I am very thankful for the feedbacks that you gave. I will try to correct my mistakes