Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged .Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
A moot has developed in recent times on the type of relationship to foster amongst children. While some people are of the school of thought that competition has a better role in children, others have upheld co-operation as the excellent virtue. I embark on this writing to explain both views stating my opinion.
Firstly, competition is perceived as an act of trying to win or get something that someone else is trying to get. Competition always produces rivalry and children are not exempted from this when they are taught to imbibe a competitive spirit. Rivalry forces its host (children) to refrain from sharing information and ideas amongst themselves. A quintessential would be in a school setting where children compete for first position; the diffusion of information amongst each other is hampered by the spirit (competition) of the period and as such the most vulnerable- likely to fail students are those with little or no information.
However, co-operation permits for the sharing of ideas, information and knowledge. When children are exposed to co-operation, friendship and fellowship would be the more re-invigorated. Moreso, knowledge which is bedrock for passing an exam when diffused by virtue of co-operation increases the probability of success. For example, during my high school days, we were given a mathematical assignment that would form part of our exam question oblivious to us. The assignment proved difficult to all of us except but one who on his volition organized a tutorial class to disclose the solution to us. This co-operation attitude that saw for the dissemination of knowledge paid off as we all had bright smiles on our visage on the fateful day after the completion of the exam. Much of the ecstasy expressed that day was hinged on the fact that this particular question carried half of the total marks.
To sum up, I am of the opinion that cooperation would bridge gap amongst children thereby fostering camaraderie rather than setting them at par for which competition sets out to achieve. On the long run, co-operation within children will integrate the society into harmony and crimes which are fueled by rivalry will become a history.
Estimated #296 words
PLS ASSESS MY WRITING TASK 2 AND GIVE POSSIBLE BAND SCORE
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David.IELTS.Examiner
- IELTS Examiner
- Posts: 1371
- Joined: Tue May 05, 2015 4:34 am
Re: PLS ASSESS MY WRITING TASK 2 AND GIVE POSSIBLE BAND SCORE
Hello Fembass,
Let's go through your essay ...
Introduction - Change 'moot' to 'discussion' or 'debate'. Change 'competition has a better role in children' to (perhaps) 'competition is more important for children'.
First main paragraph - Change 'its host' to 'children'. Change 'A quintessential' to 'An example'. Change 'spirit of the period' to 'competition'.
Second main paragraph - There are too many high-level words used in an attempt to impress the examiner. Combined with poor grammar this paragraph is frequently confusing/unclear. "This co-operation attitude that saw for the dissemination ..."
Conclusion - "setting them at a par for which competition sets out to achieve" What? Where did crime suddenly appear from?
Overall, an essay that is hard to comprehend without going through it very slowly, trying to determine, word by word, what the writer is trying to say.
Avoid using high-level vocabulary unless you can use it correctly.
By the way, the two statements in the question are not mutually exclusive!
All the best,
David
Let's go through your essay ...
Introduction - Change 'moot' to 'discussion' or 'debate'. Change 'competition has a better role in children' to (perhaps) 'competition is more important for children'.
First main paragraph - Change 'its host' to 'children'. Change 'A quintessential' to 'An example'. Change 'spirit of the period' to 'competition'.
Second main paragraph - There are too many high-level words used in an attempt to impress the examiner. Combined with poor grammar this paragraph is frequently confusing/unclear. "This co-operation attitude that saw for the dissemination ..."
Conclusion - "setting them at a par for which competition sets out to achieve" What? Where did crime suddenly appear from?
Overall, an essay that is hard to comprehend without going through it very slowly, trying to determine, word by word, what the writer is trying to say.
Avoid using high-level vocabulary unless you can use it correctly.
By the way, the two statements in the question are not mutually exclusive!
All the best,
David
Re: PLS ASSESS MY WRITING TASK 2 AND GIVE POSSIBLE BAND SCORE
Thanks for your comments Examiner, i have installed the corrections u made but please i would like to know the possible band score for that write-up
This is what it looks like...
A discussion has developed in recent times on the type of relationship to foster amongst children. While some people are of the school of thought that competition is more important for children, others have upheld co-operation as the excellent virtue. I embark on this writing to explain both views stating my opinion.
Firstly, competition is perceived as an act of trying to win or get something that someone else is trying to get. Competition always produces rivalry and children are not exempted from this when they are taught to imbibe a competitive spirit. Rivalry forces children to refrain from sharing information and ideas amongst themselves. An example would be in a school setting where children compete for first position; the diffusion of information amongst each other is hampered by competition and as such the most vulnerable- likely to fail students are those with little or no information.
However, co-operation permits for the sharing of ideas, information and knowledge. Knowledge which is a bedrock for passing an exam, when shared, increases the probability of success. For example, during my high school days, we were given a mathematical assignment that would form part of our exam question oblivious to us. The assignment proved difficult to all of us except but one who on his goodwill organized a tutorial class to show us the solutions. The sharing of knowledge paid off as we all had bright smiles on our visage after that exam. Much of the ecstasy expressed that day was hinged on the fact that this particular question carried half of the total marks. Also, when children are taught to co-operate, it helps to strengthen friendship bond.
To sum up, I am of the opinion that cooperation would bridge gap amongst children thereby fostering camaraderie rather than setting the children as rivals for which competition sets out to achieve. On the long run, co-operation within children will integrate the society into harmony.
This is what it looks like...
A discussion has developed in recent times on the type of relationship to foster amongst children. While some people are of the school of thought that competition is more important for children, others have upheld co-operation as the excellent virtue. I embark on this writing to explain both views stating my opinion.
Firstly, competition is perceived as an act of trying to win or get something that someone else is trying to get. Competition always produces rivalry and children are not exempted from this when they are taught to imbibe a competitive spirit. Rivalry forces children to refrain from sharing information and ideas amongst themselves. An example would be in a school setting where children compete for first position; the diffusion of information amongst each other is hampered by competition and as such the most vulnerable- likely to fail students are those with little or no information.
However, co-operation permits for the sharing of ideas, information and knowledge. Knowledge which is a bedrock for passing an exam, when shared, increases the probability of success. For example, during my high school days, we were given a mathematical assignment that would form part of our exam question oblivious to us. The assignment proved difficult to all of us except but one who on his goodwill organized a tutorial class to show us the solutions. The sharing of knowledge paid off as we all had bright smiles on our visage after that exam. Much of the ecstasy expressed that day was hinged on the fact that this particular question carried half of the total marks. Also, when children are taught to co-operate, it helps to strengthen friendship bond.
To sum up, I am of the opinion that cooperation would bridge gap amongst children thereby fostering camaraderie rather than setting the children as rivals for which competition sets out to achieve. On the long run, co-operation within children will integrate the society into harmony.
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David.IELTS.Examiner
- IELTS Examiner
- Posts: 1371
- Joined: Tue May 05, 2015 4:34 am
Re: PLS ASSESS MY WRITING TASK 2 AND GIVE POSSIBLE BAND SCORE
Hi Fembass,
Introduction - Much better, though I would avoid 'embark'.
First main para - Much better too!
Second main para - We've still got 'visage' and 'ecstasy' in there, but this is also much improved.
Conclusion - The last sentence hasn't been argued in the essay and may or may not be true.
Overall, good! The writing is still quite unnatural due to the excessive use of higher level vocabulary, but at least the points are far easier to understand, resulting in a much better essay.
Nice work!
David
Introduction - Much better, though I would avoid 'embark'.
First main para - Much better too!
Second main para - We've still got 'visage' and 'ecstasy' in there, but this is also much improved.
Conclusion - The last sentence hasn't been argued in the essay and may or may not be true.
Overall, good! The writing is still quite unnatural due to the excessive use of higher level vocabulary, but at least the points are far easier to understand, resulting in a much better essay.
Nice work!
David