Please assess my introduction part.

[DicroticNotch]

Dear Ryan and friends..

I am going to take General IELTS in a month. I purpose to get at least 6.

I have been struggling to write an effective introduction for a while..Although I believe I am getting better at this, I still need to make sure if I am on the right way. I am going to post an introduction I wrote. Please help me to correct myself and give advices to make it seem more advance. Please don't hesitate to recommend any new words, collocations, articles, shortening the sentences by making them more complex sentences using linking words etc.

I would really appreciate it..

Thank you for that in advance.

PS: It is only introduction as I am focused on this skill at the moment. Soon I will be writing whole essays.

Here, I'd like to draw your attention to that I haven't written if I agree or now but, I tried to imply that in order to write a shorter intro, what do you think?

Question:

Violence among young people has increased dramatically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with a growth in violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people. Do you agree or disagree?

Rates of youth violence has spiked in the last half-century in parallel with a rise in violent media. This similar increases observed have been considered by many as that violence in the media is a prime trigger for assaults involved by adolescents. Despite that, It is thought that influences by family and peers as well as social and cultural factors are key reasons for the development of violent behaviour. This essay will analyse the key reasons mentioned above.

[durai]

Violence among young people has increased dramatically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with a growth in violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people. Do you agree or disagree?

Rates(must be "Rate" ( SV agreement)of youth violence has spiked in the last half-century in parallel with a rise in violent media.

This similar ("increases observed have been" instead you can place this "increase has been ) considered by many as that violence in the media is a prime trigger for assaults involved by adolescents.

Despite that, It(samll letter "it") is thought that influences by family and peers as well as social and cultural factors, are key reasons for the development of violent behaviour.(confusing sentence, try using punctuation to separate points) This essay will analyse the key reasons mentioned above.

you have said family, friends, social and cultural , four reasons. Only if you are able to explain all four then write it otherwise use two of them and explain with examples. because writing couple of points with full extended explanation would be graded more band for TR.

Hi,
You intro is quite good, but I think you have over-used English language, thats make sentence unclear to reader. use your vocabulary skills in body paragraphs
The content should be short, concise and easy to read.
example could be: uses words form the question to write intro,

Over the last five decades, (past 50 years)the violence among children has significantly increased the world over,(i said world over, because make it global perspective)and violent media negatively correlates to this rapid increase.( repeated same sentence but different word form) As a result, many believe that violent media is the major cause of juvenile delinquency. However, I disagree because there are also other sources that make young people more cruel .(my thesis , shows that I am disagree to above). To prove this thesis true, domestic violence and children drop-outs from schools will be analyzed.

then in first supporting para, describe how domestic violence cause children involve in violent activities.

then second supporting para , early drop-outs from school means children often become boredom and tend to engage them with illegal activities.

then conclude in 2 or 3 sentences.

[DicroticNotch]

Thank you Durai,

I will work on the points you went through. I am actually very bad at writing and putting to much effort even to write an introduction. My time is running out and i am not sure anymore if i can get 6 out of 9. Since i need more and more practise.

Hopefully, I will have written a whole essay by tomorrow around this time for the first time after quite a long time.

Thanks again.

[durai]

Hi,

Try simple sentences if you want band 6,

Go through ryan vidoe tutorial essay , if you follow him, its easy to get band 7 for TR and CC.

then if you have mixed tenses with simple and complex structures grammar , you could get band 6 even with some mistakes.

with vocabulary, you dont need very complex words for band 6, just dont repeat any words and find some good academic vocabulary.

probably you may gt 6.5

, my last score was 7, I am trying to get band 8.

good luck

[andytruong1202]

Dear Ryan and friends..

I am going to take General IELTS in a month. I purpose to get at least 6.

I have been struggling to write an effective introduction for a while..Although I believe I am getting better at this, I still need to make sure if I am on the right way. I am going to post an introduction I wrote. Please help me to correct myself and give advices to make it seem more advance. Please don't hesitate to recommend any new words, collocations, articles, shortening the sentences by making them more complex sentences using linking words etc.

I would really appreciate it..

Thank you for that in advance.

PS: It is only introduction as I am focused on this skill at the moment. Soon I will be writing whole essays.

Here, I'd like to draw your attention to that I haven't written if I agree or now but, I tried to imply that in order to write a shorter intro, what do you think?

Question:

Violence among young people has increased dramatically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with a growth in violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people. Do you agree or disagree?

Rates of youth violence has spiked in the last half-century in parallel with a rise in violent media. This similar increases observed have been considered by many as that violence in the media is a prime trigger for assaults involved by adolescents. Despite that, It is thought that influences by family and peers as well as social and cultural factors are key reasons for the development of violent behaviour. This essay will analyse the key reasons mentioned above.

I think you have made your sentences rather complicated for your level which led to quite a lot of grammatical errors. To get 6, I think you just need to write simple sentences and address the question directly.

For example,

Many people believe that violent media is the primary reason for violence among youngsters. However, I disagree with this view for the following reasons.

I think with this introduction you could get at least 6 - 6.5 already.

[DicroticNotch]

I think you have made your sentences rather complicated for your level which led to quite a lot of grammatical errors. To get 6, I think you just need to write simple sentences and address the question directly.

For example,

Many people believe that violent media is the primary reason for violence among youngsters. However, I disagree with this view for the following reasons.

I think with this introduction you could get at least 6 - 6.5 already.

Dear andytruong1202, first off, thank you for your contrubution but I wish you also pointed out what my errors are since I can not see any but a couple of them done carelessly. On the other hand, the intro you recommended is not recommended. There is neither a supporting sentence nor an outline sentence..

[DicroticNotch]

Hi durai, thank you for your support. I hope you will get the band score you wish to get, too.

What does TR and CC mean btw?

thanks

Hi,

Try simple sentences if you want band 6,

Go through ryan vidoe tutorial essay , if you follow him, its easy to get band 7 for TR and CC.

then if you have mixed tenses with simple and complex structures grammar , you could get band 6 even with some mistakes.

with vocabulary, you dont need very complex words for band 6, just dont repeat any words and find some good academic vocabulary.

probably you may gt 6.5

, my last score was 7, I am trying to get band 8.

good luck

[durai]

HI,

TR: task response
CC ; cohesion and coherence

go through
http://www.ielts.org/PDF/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf

this is the only one examiner have in their hands to assess your writing, if you know what is expected then you can write well.

But, as I said earlier, band 6 is quite easy target if you know what you have to write.

just go through;

[DicroticNotch]

Thanks Durai.

HI,

TR: task response
CC ; cohesion and coherence

go through
http://www.ielts.org/PDF/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf

this is the only one examiner have in their hands to assess your writing, if you know what is expected then you can write well.

But, as I said earlier, band 6 is quite easy target if you know what you have to write.

just go through;