Some people think that women should have the same right as men to choose their profession. Others, however, believe that women are less able than men to do certain jobs. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
In the day and age, whether women are entitled to select their occupation is a hot topic. One notion is favour of that women are qualified for choosing their jobs, however, the other idea is believed that by comparison with men, women are less capable to do some special works.
On the one hand, advocates who believe that women are entitled to decide their jobs is mainly because that women, as one of the most important and crucial part of society, in essence, there are no differences between women and men, therefore, they are eligible to choose their occupation as men do. Furthermore, increasingly and commonly, a number of women are well-educated in high education, so they are capable to do anything as men do.
For a variety of special jobs for instance nursing, women’s performance even is better than men’s due to their characteristics including patience and consideration. So, It is considerably reasonable to support that women are qualified to the equal rights of selecting their profession.
On the other hand, a number of people think that women are less able to work for some particular jobs in comparison with men, for instance construction which requires strong bodies and strengths to complete the work. Because of the limitation of gender, women are relatively small and weak physical in comparison with men. Therefore, As to this particular jobs which are commonly characterised by highly physical demand, women are indeed less capable to finish them compared with men.
In my opinion, I think that women should enjoy the same rights of choosing their own occupations as men, however, it is undeniable that for a amount of special jobs which are labor-intensive and physically demanding, men are indeed more capable to take this kinds of jobs than women do. When women enjoy their rights to make decisions for their careers, It would be better and reasonable if they combination their own interests and characteristics of the female gender.
I need your feedback about the rights of women
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Cliff.IELTS.Examiner
- IELTS Examiner
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Wed Nov 04, 2015 10:43 am
Re: I need your feedback about the rights of women
This is a poorly worded question. It poses two different issues as sides of the same argument, but they're not. The right of women to choose their profession and the ability of women to perform some tasks are related issues, but not two sides of the same coin. A woman's right to choose is not affected by her physical ability any more than a man's right is. A weak man, or a woman, has the same right to choose construction work as a strong man or a strong woman does. The ability to perform is a separate issue from the right to choose. The question would have been better worded this way: Some people think that women should have the same right as men to choose their profession. Others, however, believe that because women are less able than men to do certain jobs that this is a limited right. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
But the question is the question and must be answered. Your response takes the either/or line that either women have the right to choose their jobs, or they don't because they are less able to do some jobs. This is clear in your first paragraph:
"In the day and age, whether women are entitled to select their occupation is a hot topic. One notion is favour of that women are qualified for choosing their jobs, however, the other idea is believed that by comparison with men, women are less capable to do some special works. ."
First, let's get rid of that very annoying and very hackneyed stock phrase at the beginning. The "day and age" has no bearing on the question, unless you are going to compare it some other age . Delete it. Also there are many grammar errors. "One notion is favour of that women are qualified for". This makes no direct sense, and I have to strain to infer your meaning.
To clarify the point being discussed I would reword this opening paragraph. Note there are many grammar errors here too that make your precise meaning very unclear:
Whether women are entitled to select their occupation is a hot topic. One school of thought holds that there should be no restrictions on the right of women to enter any profession or trade. Others however, take the view that there are some occupations for which women are physically or emotionally unsuitable.
Now, I don't know that this is in fact a "hot topic". In most western countries it's well settled that women have this right. You would be more credible therefore if you aligned your position more closely with reality. For example:
Although the right of women to enter most professions is no longer a topic of debate, there is still some dispute over whether this right should be universally upheld in the case especially of particular kinds of physical work.
The rest of the essay does address the main points, but some of the arguments are not well extended or supported, and in some the logic is just not there. For example: "because that women, as one of the most important and crucial part of society, in essence, there are no differences between women and men". There is no connection between the idea that women are an important part of society, and the conclusion that there are no differences between women and men.
The best fitting public band descriptors for task response are:
Addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be
more fully covered than others
• presents relevant main ideas but some may be
inadequately developed/unclear
In paragraph two your ideas do not cohere well: They unfold something like this:
Women are important. There are no differences between women and men. Women have higher education now so they can do anything men can. Some jobs are performed better by women than men.
These ideas are just presented, not connected, they don't form a developing argument, and they are not fluently linked.
For CC, these public band descriptors apply:
• presents information with some organisation but there may
be a lack of overall progression
• may not write in paragraphs, or paragraphing may be
inadequate
For lexical resources, you show a wide range, but also a degree of inaccuracy and inappropriacy. Some collocations are just odd, like: "considerably reasonable" .
The appropriate band descriptors for your range of words are:
• uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
• attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some
inaccuracy
• makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but
they do not impede communication
Grammar, as noted has many errors, but most do not interfere with meaning. I would say thee descriptors apply:
• uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
• makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they
rarely reduce communication.
A tougher examiner might use this description:
• may make frequent grammatical errors and punctuation
may be faulty; errors can cause some difficulty for the
reader
But the question is the question and must be answered. Your response takes the either/or line that either women have the right to choose their jobs, or they don't because they are less able to do some jobs. This is clear in your first paragraph:
"In the day and age, whether women are entitled to select their occupation is a hot topic. One notion is favour of that women are qualified for choosing their jobs, however, the other idea is believed that by comparison with men, women are less capable to do some special works. ."
First, let's get rid of that very annoying and very hackneyed stock phrase at the beginning. The "day and age" has no bearing on the question, unless you are going to compare it some other age . Delete it. Also there are many grammar errors. "One notion is favour of that women are qualified for". This makes no direct sense, and I have to strain to infer your meaning.
To clarify the point being discussed I would reword this opening paragraph. Note there are many grammar errors here too that make your precise meaning very unclear:
Whether women are entitled to select their occupation is a hot topic. One school of thought holds that there should be no restrictions on the right of women to enter any profession or trade. Others however, take the view that there are some occupations for which women are physically or emotionally unsuitable.
Now, I don't know that this is in fact a "hot topic". In most western countries it's well settled that women have this right. You would be more credible therefore if you aligned your position more closely with reality. For example:
Although the right of women to enter most professions is no longer a topic of debate, there is still some dispute over whether this right should be universally upheld in the case especially of particular kinds of physical work.
The rest of the essay does address the main points, but some of the arguments are not well extended or supported, and in some the logic is just not there. For example: "because that women, as one of the most important and crucial part of society, in essence, there are no differences between women and men". There is no connection between the idea that women are an important part of society, and the conclusion that there are no differences between women and men.
The best fitting public band descriptors for task response are:
Addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be
more fully covered than others
• presents relevant main ideas but some may be
inadequately developed/unclear
In paragraph two your ideas do not cohere well: They unfold something like this:
Women are important. There are no differences between women and men. Women have higher education now so they can do anything men can. Some jobs are performed better by women than men.
These ideas are just presented, not connected, they don't form a developing argument, and they are not fluently linked.
For CC, these public band descriptors apply:
• presents information with some organisation but there may
be a lack of overall progression
• may not write in paragraphs, or paragraphing may be
inadequate
For lexical resources, you show a wide range, but also a degree of inaccuracy and inappropriacy. Some collocations are just odd, like: "considerably reasonable" .
The appropriate band descriptors for your range of words are:
• uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
• attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some
inaccuracy
• makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but
they do not impede communication
Grammar, as noted has many errors, but most do not interfere with meaning. I would say thee descriptors apply:
• uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
• makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they
rarely reduce communication.
A tougher examiner might use this description:
• may make frequent grammatical errors and punctuation
may be faulty; errors can cause some difficulty for the
reader