Please assess my essay)

[Wayfarer]

Topic: Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers.
Today, we live in an era threatened by crime and delinquency which are primarily committed by the youth. When the one tries to reach the root of the problem he generally encounters the fact that parents and teachers are responsible for this issue, as they have not afforded proper upbringing. As for me, although it is not wrongly assumed that insufficient education and upbringing are the key elements constituting crime among youngsters, it is about violence revealed on the media as well. Later on this essay, these two factors will be illustrated in a more vivid way.
Undoubtedly, each individual must explore what is right and wrong in his childhood. People surrounding a child, including parents, teachers, coaches, siblings and many others having any impact on a child are deemed to be the ones to program and bring him up. However, it has been repeatedly proven that some people do not focus on educating whatsoever. As a result of this mediocre upbringing a child is confused whether revealing aggression in public is acceptable or inappropriate. Once he realizes it in adolescence, it turns out to be too late. Therefore, owing to the negligence of mainly parents the rapid growth in the number of crime commitments among young people has occurred.
In addition to lack of information in early adolescence another effect should be media which caused acceleration in teenage crime rate. It is regularly witnessed that the majority of programs broadcast on TV contain the scenes of violence and crime. Moreover, not only it reveals acts of violence, it is represented as cool and right type of behavior. As a prime example take the movie ‘Training day’. It perfectly embodies this theory, as one of the main characters in the movie ‘Alonso’ played by Denzel Washington tends to deal with his problems by killing and threatening others. As a consequence, a fifteen-year old school boy perceives of him acting righteously and attempts to mimic his behavior and eventually commits crime himself.
In way of a conclusion, younger generation has become more aggressive, violent and is responsible for a substantial amount of crime, both serious and petty offenses. The primary causes are lack of proper upbringing and media which keeps on encouraging children to act like a criminal. Thus, perhaps it is time to turn off the TV and have a deep and meaningful conversation with your child.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello Wayfarer!
Introduction - Long, but good.
First main paragraph - Very general, but otherwise no major flaws.
Second main paragraph - Quite good, with an interesting example, although the link between the fiction story and real life is not illustrated, i.e. the fact that the plot of the film was like this does not demonstrate that real life is like this.
Conclusion - Good but personalise it a little, i.e. make it explicitly your opinion.
Overall, a good essay with good vocabulary and a good range of grammar.
All the best,
David