Essay Assessment for Task 2 Writing

[Owais]

Hello,

Kindly evaluate my essay. I have written it in 30 mins.

Topic: Some people say that in order to be happy, you must have a job you love doing. Others say that other factors are more important.
Do you think that people can only be happy if they have a job they really enjoy?

Many people spend most of their adult lives in workplace. Therefore, it is believed by some that happiness is not possible without having a satisfying job. Others, however, contend that there are other key factors which contribute to the happiness of human beings. I strongly hold that job cannot be the sole reason of happiness for individuals. This essay will elucidate other factors that are necessary for happiness and satisfaction.

Firstly, not everyone in this world has a job, let alone getting one, people enjoy doing. For instance, there are homeless people who do not have jobs. According to Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, every human being strives to achieve his next level of desires to be happy. As an example, a war refugee finds happiness when he feels safe and secure. Similarly, a homeless man feels happy when he finds himself under a roof of shelter. Therefore, it is clarified that the word happiness is relative and doesn’t necessarily link with jobs.

Secondly, social life is another important factor responsible for human’s happiness. This can be substantiated from the fact that every other adult in the US tries to find a life partner. This is because, a man alone cannot stay happy and satisfied for long. Thus, it can be safely asserted that social life greatly influence people’s happiness.

In conclusion, having an enjoyable and satisfying job leads to happiness is one side of the coin. The other side, however, signifies that other factors such as social life and family life are also key in living a happy life. Consequently, it can be said that happiness is caused by a blend of factors, one of which is having a job people enjoy.

Regards
Owais

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello again, Owais!

Introduction - Well, i'm going to be little 'picky' and say that few people spend MOST of their adult lives in the workplace, despite what many people claim. Similarly, here in East Asia, students constantly claim that they spend so much time studying, but actually they usually don't. Otherwise, a good intro.
First main paragraph - I think this clarification is good, but I notice that it takes up quite a substantial portion of your essay.
Second main paragraph - Yes, but the main idea behind the question is to debate whether someone can be happy doing a job they dislike, perhaps because it enables them to earn enough money to travel, socialise, etc.
Conclusion - This doesn't exactly answer the question.

Overall, I find the points quite superficial. As I mentioned when reviewing another of your essays, I think that some 'real world' examples would be useful.

All the best,
David

[Owais]

Thank you Sir for your help.

I have a question: if we have an essay ending like this "To what extent do you agree or disagree?", are we allowed to take a stand in the middle. For example, if we have an essay that goes like "Excessive use of technology is bad for children, to what extent do you agree or disagree" and we conclude somewhat like, "Yes children should spend time playing outside but they should also spend some time using technology that will actually familiarize them with the newfangled computer system and will be helpful in practical life"

Or should we use a more direct approach, like, "Yes children upto a certain age should be restrained from using technology as it can have negative effects on their growth"

Thanks in anticipation,
Owais

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Owais,
It's up to you - both are fine.
David