Please check this essay!

[Wayfarer]

Topic: It is time to take environmental pollution under control. Do you agree?

Among many threatening issues the earth has experienced so far, pollution has invariably been one of the most global and serious ones. However, the actions people take are totally incongruent to massiveness of this obstacle. Therefore, it is totally agreed that the process of tackling this problem must begin urgently. This will be proven by analyzing the consequences the halt of addressing this problem may have and the estimation that it will be too late if we reserve it for future.
First factor contributing to the necessity to start solving problem in current time is the frightening outcome of environmental pollution which is likely to arise. An idea supporting this might be that climate change which is a direct effect of air pollution may cause more severe and dangerous repercussions for societies in some parts of the world. As a result, a plethora of innocent people will suffer from extreme changes in environmental climate and plus this will probably pose even more threat on agriculture. Thus, the urgent actions must be taken to diminish the pollution.
Another reason for promoting the progress of addressing the hurdle named environmental contamination is the justified anticipation that if we prolong the process of resolving this, it is likely to be too late to undertake it then. A prime example can be the city called New-York which is completely polluted by the diversity of exhaust fumes produced by cars and factories. Due to lack of purification within the last decades it seems to be entirely complicated to bring fresh and pure air to New-York again. That is to say that it is indispensable to start seeking for solutions now.
After in-depth analysis of the dangerous results and believable prediction concerning the absence of steps which must be taken towards tackling the issues related to environmental pollution right now. It is highly supported that the sooner we begin to act the more beneficial it will be for us. It is hoped that the governments worldwide will comprehend this in the near future before it is too late.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Wayfarer!

Introduction - "it is totally agreed" - no, it isn't! Plenty of people do not think that this issue is as serious or important as other problems facing humanity. The Chinese purposely allowed pollution levels to rise in order to facilitate economic growth. Evidence suggests that other countries, e.g. India, are following suit.

First main paragraph - A common argument, but it ignores the fact that climate change is actually likely to benefit some parts of the world.

Second main paragraph - This argument didn't convince me at all. I'm British, so I know how London was extremely polluted in the past and now is relatively unpolluted compared to that time or to Beijing at present, for example. New York is, without question, less polluted than the vast majority of Chinese cities. I strongly suspect that NY was more polluted during its industrial past.

Conclusion - Not proven, which is disappointing considering that it would be so easy to make good arguments in favour of reducing pollution.

As I have mentioned on this forum before, one of the keys aims in a T2 essay is to present a convincing argument. I also suggest cutting down on sentence length as points can become confused/confusing. A lot of high level vocabulary is used, but it is not used naturally and the examiner will assume that you are simply trying to impress by doing this, rather than showing your actual English capability.

I suggest going through the forum and reading the good essays that other members have posted.

All the best,
David