20-Nov-15: Please check my academic writing task 2

[sumansaha66]

Task Description: Some people think that universities should provide graduates with the skills and knowledge needed in the workplace. Others think that the true function of a university should be to give access to knowledge for its own sake, regardless of whether the course is useful to an employer.

What, in your opinion, should be the main function of a university?

Writing:
Universities are the main entrance to higher studies. Different schools of thoughts prevail in the society regarding the education system in the universities. One school is the proponent of the idea that universities should focus on the knowledge and skills required in the job environment. Other school favours the concept of providing opportunity to access the knowledge irrespective of worthiness of knowledge to the employers. It is agreed with the first notion which supports the idea of connectivity between the university knowledge and professional skills.

In real world, people need to work for their livelihood. University studies make a student competent to fight for his/her share in a Darwinian world. If the knowledge and skills of a person does not match with the need of the employer, that person will be deprived of getting a job. If the students are independent to learn their skills, they might be interested to obsolete knowledge which will be of no use. A student might learn the techniques of land phone technology out of his/her interest which is irrelevant in the era of cellular technology. So the notion of relevance and effectiveness of knowledge requires that knowledge and skills of graduates should be connected the requirement in the workplace.

Research in universities is derived from the business needs. Most of the researches in the universities are funded by different government and non-government corporate bodies. The line of research funding will be withered if the studies in the universities are not related to the needs of the businesses. Technology giants like Google, Microsoft will not fund any project if the outcome of the research can't be used in their business. So it's worth to mention that universities need to focus on knowledge and skills which are useful for funding bodies.

In a highly competitive world, there is no free lunch. Learning of graduates must have practical implications. The governing bodies of universities should work to improve the course contents of graduates to increase their effectiveness in real world scenarios.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi!

Introduction - "It is agreed ..." Is it? Who by?

First main paragraph - The third sentence does not follow from the second. What do you mean by knowledge that has no use? Why is all knowledge of how landlines work irrelevant to cell phone tech? Final sentence - why?

Second main paragraph - First sentence - is it? Third sentence - why? Fourth sentence - incorrect! You cannot know if the research will be useful until the research has been done!

Conclusion - Assertions that you have not provided reasons for.

Overall, your points are likely false and are certainly not supported at all. Lack of development of ideas will reduce your score substantially.
All the best,
David