Please check my essay please

[joandelav]

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their level of of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

At present, public's health has been a crucial argument internationally. Hence, an increasing number of obesity is on trend while health and fitness is significantly opposite. This health crisis is believed to be generally influenced by apparent modern lifestyle of the society, thus various measurements to dispute this problem should be considered. Manners in which the government can play an essential role by raising awareness and making fitness enticing to the public.
Firstly, with the governments' health sector increasing proper diet education, this will help in decreasing obesity rate. For instance, making more infomercials related to weight management will disseminate awareness to the public faster, since televisions and social media is widely used in the modern world. People can be reminded to eat healthier and be knowledgeable about ones health. Thus, infomercials is an effective way in solving this weight problem.
The second varied option that the government can do as well, is the establishment of fun fitness activities for the public. One of which is the fitness classes that are offered in YMCA which is available all over Ontario. Even people that has a hectic schedule could not make an excuse to these programs since class schedules are versatile. Classes are offered to all ages that are appropriate to different age groups, enjoyable, and of no cost which will increase peoples' interest to participate. Therefore it is proven that this program is beneficial to the health of the population.
To conclude after analyzing the latter solutions, it is proved that education and innovation of health programs to the public can positively increase healthy citizens. Furthermore, it is then hoped that these practices will be followed by the world over.




THANK YOU

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi!

Introduction - This is a bit of a mess, I'm afraid, due to the overuse and misuse of higher level vocab (number of obesity is on trend, apparent, measurements to dispute).
First main paragraph - Explain. In Britain, increased education about diet has gone hand-in-hand with obesity.
Second main paragraph - Class schedules are not the only reason people don't go to fitness classes.
Conclusion - Maybe, but you need to provide better arguments in the main paragraphs.

Overall, the essay (like many others on this forum!) reads more like a list of assumptions rather than a coherent argument. Make sure that points are clear and developed.

All the best,
David

[joandelav]

Thank you so much David