please kindly assess the essay

[Max maximus]

Children around the world are encouraged to be competitive.However many people stated that it is better to encourage a child to cooperate rather than compete.Discuss

It is highly debatable issue whether children recommended to be competitive or to encourage a child to cooperate.This is very important issue because both sides have a plausible way to dominate.
The first and foremost advantage of encouraging children to be competitive is that it assists to bring the accountability which helps them to attain and enhance their high priority measures.Furthermore competitiveness provide challenges and assist children deal with such predicaments.It can help them to teach for discipline and help build character and confidence.
On the other hand opponents on competitiveness argued that it lead to stress which is detrimental to the mental health of children.Competiveness also have a toxic effect on relation among children.Each children may regard others as rival to his own success and it leads children to envy winners and laugh at losers.
However to encourage a child to cooperate is also the best way to realize strength;For instance it is undeniable fact that to be cooperative is also enhance curious of child which plays an essential and crucial role for their future.
To put in a nutshell I pen down saying that competitiveness is more lucrative way to dominate.Children should be competitive because they make adapt better to this competitive society however schools should take effective measures to avoid destructive competition.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Max,

Sorry, but this assessment is not going to be good.

I can barely understand the first main paragraph. I think that you have tried to use a lot of high level words without actually knowing what they mean. What is the connection between competitiveness and accountability? Actually, I would think that cooperation was more closely linked to it. Such predicaments? What predicaments? Why doesn't cooperation help teach discipline?

Regarding the second paragraph, the first sentence may or may not be true. The others are false, or at least probably only true for particularly nasty children!

Third paragraph - Why is it the best way? Why is undeniable? How is cooperation linked to curiosity?

Conclusion - lucrative generally refers to money. What point is being made here?

Basically, avoid using words that are unclear or used incorrectly. Try to convey your ideas clearly.

All the best,
David