PLEASE KINDLY ASSESS MY WRITING TASK 2 - A GAP YEAR

[hollanda]

Some students prefer to take a year off between school and university, to work or to travel. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?
After finishing high school, some students face the dilemma of whether to take a gap year for working or travelling or not. While there are several benefits of taking a year off, I believe that starting university or college straight would be more advantageous for high school leavers.
On the one hand, the option of taking a gap year for travelling or working might be attractive for a certain number of reasons. Firstly, working can broaden teenagers’ real-life experience and practical skills, which can hardly be obtained through academic lessons and courses at college or university. In terms of travelling, it can be considered to be the best way to broaden youngsters’ perspective and help them relaxing after many years continuously studying. Furthermore, while working and travelling, young people will have opportunities to discover their potential abilities, what is the most suitable for them or what career they want to pursue in the future. This can save them from spending years at university only to realize that they are not passionate about their current major.
Nonetheless, I would argue that these benefits are outweighed by the drawbacks. The first reason is that due to the lack of qualifications, teenagers who choose to take a year off for working may only get a low-paid job, which is likely to demotivate them. Secondly, while working and travelling, teenagers are less probably to have time to revise their lessons, which can result in a dearth of knowledge due to forgetting when they start college later. Finally, in order to travel, most teenagers will have to ask for money from their parents, which is highly inadvisable since they are old enough to live independently.
In conclusion, although a gap year may offer some undeniable advantages, I am convinced that go to university straight would be more beneficial for students in the long term.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Hollanda,
Basically, a very good essay. I would add a few examples of jobs that young people might find beneficial when taking a gap year.
Very good vocabulary and good grammar with few mistakes.
David

[hollanda]

Dear Sir David,

Thank you so much for your feedback. Could you please kindly point out my mistakes, I think one of my biggest challenges is that I don't know if I choose the appropriate word so it sounds natural to native speaker, and what types of jobs I should add as an example?

Best regards,