please assess my ielts writing task 2

[fasah]

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal of more money than people in other professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Over the last two decades, sports have potentially emerged as a profession rather than a simple form of recreational activity. In fact, the proper development of sports regulation authorities with the contribution of several local bodies has turned it in to a profitable occupation. It is then ultimately believed that eminent athletes can make hefty money in comparision to other professionals. On the other hand, this is quite unfair according to some people. This is a controversial statement that needs complete analysis so that an opinion can be formed.
Firstly, unlike other stereotypical fields, in sports a player has to perform consistently under extreme stressful conditions as the representatives of the nation. For instance, Christiano Ronaldo, a famous football player, has been an authentic introduction of Argentina among followers. Moreover, he was once declared as the most expensive player of the world, with monthly earning of several billion dollars. Thus, the acquisition of adequately handsome income as the image builder of native country seems to be justified.
Conversely, it is objected that in order to be a sportsman, a person has not to surpass the challenges of ordinary educational system. For example, it is pretty impossible to be a doctor, an engineer or an enterpreneur without devoting the first three decades of life to education. Also, even after the struggle of many years, it is sometimes out of reach of ordinary professionals to earn money like prominent players. Hence, it can be considered as a total injustice to the educated strata of the society.
In summary, supporters claim that athletes are deemed to get mighty pays as they function as spokesman of the society, whereas the view is also dismissed as they are not thought to be impressively learned as other professionals. To add to this, I would like to state that it is not a piece of cake to stand among crowd and deliver remarkable performances for homeland. To conclude, athletes examplifies nations round the globe and high earnings are in total accordance to their tough job.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Fasah,

Introduction - Too long. What do you mean by 'potentially'? How have regulation authorities made sport profitable? Why is it 'believed' that sport can make people a lot of money? That's a fact, not a belief. Complete analysis? In a 300 word essay?

First main paragraph - What's a 'stereotypical' field? Sports people do not always represent their country. Some who do hardly get paid anything. Ronaldo is not from Argentina. He does not earn billions of dollars. Why should he earn so much money to represent his country. Gandhi didn't.

Second main paragraph - Well, I'm from Wales, so I can tell you that JPR Williams, one of our best rugby players ever, was a doctor (actually, he was a surgeon). He also didn't get paid much to represent his country.

Conclusion - Are sportspeople really the spokespeople of society? Why do top sportspeople exemplify a country? As mentioned before, most top sportspeople do not earn lots of money.

Overall, this essay has little meaning. There is no clear argument. Grammar is good, but there is not a wide range of structures (e.g. conditionals).

This essay needs a total rethink.
David