Please help me to evaluate my writing! Thousand thanks!

[plin0627]

It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction.
To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behaviour to children?

During the children’s early age, when it is vital for them to learn what is right or wrong, some say that punishment is needed as for them to learn the difference. In my opinion, punishment is not helpful in guiding these children.
While educating the young ones, sometimes, punishment is required in order for them to learn from the lessons when they had made the wrong decisions or mistakes. This is also mainly to avoid children in repeating the same mistakes and learn to behave and think in moral. Thus, such light punishment as scolding is essential for children to distinct between right and wrong.

However, punishment often could causes more negative impacts on children in which their behaviours and thinking will be altered in time. In another word, certain children will become more stubborn and refuse to listen to their parents and teachers. Such situation can also leads to miss-communication among them. Clearly, punishment not only fails in teaching children the goodwill, but also causes more issues in parenting.

To teach today’s children the good behaviour, both parents and teachers ought to constantly communicate with young children. The adults should always provide positive advice and negotiate with their children in how to differentiate between right and wrong and from this, they will come to an understanding on why their parents or teachers punish them. It is always effective for the adults to teach them through intimate and thorough communication rather than physically punish the children.

In sum, although children must learn to differentiate what is right and wrong, punishment is not necessarily a useful lesson. Parents and teachers should understand how punishment would affects their children’s mental and physical developments while finding a better solution. (286 words)

Cambridge Ielts 10 Test 1 Writing Task 1

The pie charts illustrate the energy use (heating, water heating, refrigeration, other appliances, lighting and cooling) of houses in Australia as well as the greenhouse gas emissions that generate by these usage. Units are measured in %.

Overall, heating spends the most energy in house and followed by water heating as well as other appliances. Nevertheless, refrigeration, lighting and cooling use less energy amongst all. Though heating consumes the most energy, its greenhouse gas emission is lower in comparing with all of others.

In terms of energy use, the Australian families spend 42% and 30% on both heating and water heating respectively while other appliances use double the lower than water heating, which is 15% only. Despite, Australians use less than 10% on refrigeration, lighting and cooling (with 7%, 4% and 2% accordingly) at homes.

The usage of energy in Australia homes have causes greenhouse gas emissions. While heating uses most energy, it generates only 15% of greenhouse gas whereas other appliances and refrigeration produce almost a double in comparing with its usage, at 15% and 14% separately. Instead, both lighting and cooling emit only 8% as well as 3% of greenhouse gas although both witness higher figures compared with energy use. (202 words)

[plin0627]

I'm aiming at band 7 above. i'd sat for ielts test few times but scored only band 6 in writing! but i spoke to one ielts examiner before and she said that i could possibly get band 7 as she checked my essay before. Even so, i still got only band 6 during my last attempt. Please let me know what's my mistake and miss out in achieving band 7!!
Cheers!

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi!

First main paragraph - In the introduction you said punishment is not helpful. Then you say punishment is required. Now you say punishment is essential! I am totally confused!
Second main paragraph - Stubbornness and refusal to listen are not 'miscommunication' (= bad communication). There is no communication! Oh! so now punishment is bad again!? What's going on here!?
Third main paragraph - Will? Always? What do you mean?

Overall, a very confusing essay, primarily due to the lack of range of structures, e.g. conditionals, modal verbs. Arguments are weak and not sufficiently supported.

All the best,
David

[plin0627]

Hi David, many thanks for your feedback!

1. Frankly, i'm totally confused! some ielts websites suggest to state which side you choose (agree or disagree in introduction). Either agree or disagree, at first main paragraph, we can write one side(eg; agree) while second paragraph (disagree).

2. i can see now that i'd used wrong words too.

3. basically, third main paragraph was to suggest proper punishment to teach good behaviour. Are you saying that i should not use words like 'always' or 'will'? i don't really understand and can you please explain further?

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello again!

Good questions! Let's take a look at the last sentence of the intro and the first of the next paragraph - "In my opinion, punishment is not helpful in guiding these children. While educating the young ones, sometimes, punishment is required ..."

First you are giving your opinion in the intro. No problem there. You can do it or you can leave it til the conclusion. It makes no difference to your score and depends entirely on you. However, the next sentence has a little piece of info missing, i.e. you do not say who believes punishment is required. It is reasonable to assume that it is you as it's your essay. Therefore, the two sentences do not match up logically. In IELTS writing, this can be 'punished' in the task, coherence and possibly even the vocabulary criteria.

Moving on, I very, very, very strongly recommend to my students that they avoid words like 'always' and 'never' and use 'will' very, very carefully. Inaccurate use of adverbs can be 'punished' on the task, coherence and vocab criteria, as it involves overgeneralisation and may lack coherence. For example "Old people never use modern technology." My father is old and uses modern technology, so the statement is inaccurate and any argument following from it is flawed. Continued use of 'always' or 'never' instead of using a variety of adverbs also means a lack of flexible use of vocab.

With 'will' there is a clear difference in meaning between 'I will go to the concert' and 'I might go to the concert'. Personally, I would expect a band 6 candidate to fully comprehend the difference. I mean, at my school we teach it to low intermediate students.

Hence, my personal rule - avoid using never, always and will in IELTS speaking and writing unless you are absolutely sure. Why not use 'almost always', 'hardly ever' or 'will probably' instead?

A long answer, but I hope it clears up the problem! I assure you that following this advice WILL get you a higher score, ALWAYS impress the examiner and NEVER let you down in speaking or writing!

All the best,
David

[plin0627]

Hi David,

Now i understand it! one more question, for this type of essay - to what extend do you agree or disagree, can we write "agree" or "disagree" for the entire essay?

For example, structure as below:

IF AGREE on the statement,
Intro: agree
para 1 & 2 agree
conclusion: agree

Cheers,
Plin