Please assess my writing task 2

[prinks056]

Many food restaurants and supermarkets are giving money to schools to promote their products. Does it have a positive or negative impact on the development of school and children in it.
What is your opinion and give your reasons to describe the same.

In today’s world, every entrepreneur owning a restaurant or a supermarket aims to grow his/her business. Some people think that promoting fast food and supermarket products in schools will prove beneficial for the children while others argue that junk food will have detrimental effects on children health. This essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of promoting fast food products at school. Both sides will be critiqued prior coming to a reasoned conclusion.

On one hand, promoting fast food and supermarkets products will help in the development of the school. The money funded by promoting fast food products at school will help the school in providing better education and sports facilities to the students. For instance, my school made a basketball court and installed computer screens in every classroom from the money funded by promoting Pizza hut’s products like salads, pizzas. This example clearly shows that promoting fast food restaurant and supermarkets products have a positive effect on the development of school.

On the other hand, fast food products promoted at schools are low in proteins and fibre, which make them less nutritious. In addition, children get fascinated by the junk food and pressurize their parents to give them money to buy these products. As a result, children end up wasting a lot of money on these products. Fast food products are unhealthy and addictive, which make children obese. Thus, it is evident that fast food and supermarket products have a negative effect on children.

Therefore, a sound mind rests in a healthy body. Fast food products have detrimental effect on children health as these products are high in fat.Hence, these products should not be promoted in school.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi again, Prinks!

Introduction - Whoops! The question doesn't mention fast food! Is a disaster coming? Or did you miss out the word 'fast' from the question?

First main paragraph - Good, even though fast food is a main focus.

Second main paragraph - Yes, there it is! You've also put fast food and supermarket food together, which really has a detrimental effect on the argument. Every supermarket I know sells fruit and vegetables. Why are they unhealthy?

Conclusion - I'll disagree with that first sentence! Many great thinkers have been extremely unhealthy. Churchill smoked and drank and was rather fat, for instance. Stephen Hawking is not really physically healthy.

Overall, I think that when you are deciding which side to be on, you need to be more careful about how you phrase the arguments. Try using more modal verbs rather than being definitive.

All the best,
David

[prinks056]

Many fast food restaurants and supermarkets are giving money to schools to promote their products. Does it have a positive or negative impact on the development of school and children in it.
What is your opinion and give your reasons to describe the same.

In today’s world, every entrepreneur who owns a restaurant or a supermarket aims to grow his/her business. It is considered by many that promoting fast food and supermarket products in schools will prove beneficial for the children while others argue that junk food will have detrimental effects on children’s health. In my opinion, fast food and supermarket products have deleterious effects on children health.

On one hand, promoting fast food and supermarkets products will help in the development of the school. The money funded by promoting fast food products at school will help the school in providing better education and sports facilities to the students. For instance, my school made a basketball court and installed computer screens in every classroom from the money funded by promoting Pizza hut’s products like salads, pizzas. This example clearly shows that promoting fast food restaurant and supermarkets’ products can have a positive effect on the development of school.

On the other hand, fast food products promoted at schools are low in proteins, vitamins and fibres, which make them less nutritious. In addition, children get fascinated by the junk food and pressurise their parents to give them money to buy these products. As a result, children end up wasting a lot of money on these products. Fast food products are unhealthy and addictive, which can make children obese. Supermarkets sell food products like noodles,cereals,canned fruits and vegetables,which have harmful preservatives and artificial sweetner. These preservatives make them less nutritious and have various side effects. For instance, Mono Sodium Glutamate, a type of preservative found in supermarket food products like noodles,salads and ready to eat meals has many adverse effects like nausea, palpitations, Alzheimer’s disease. Thus, it is evident that fast food and supermarket products can have a negative effect on children.

Therefore, fast food and supermarket products can have detrimental effects on children health as these products are low in vitamins and proteins. Hence, these products should not be promoted in school.

[prinks056]

Hi David,

Thanks for your feedback.I have corrected my essay.Is it a band 7 essay? I have taken IELTS thrice,my writing score was always 6.5 and I need 7 band.
I would appreciate if you can suggest me how to improve it? What do I need to pay attention to based on my level?

Thanks,
Prinks

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Prinks!

This essay is much better! Lots of good vocabulary is used correctly and there is a good variety of simple and complex structures. The essay is well-organised and it is easy to follow the clear arguments.

Well done!
David