PLEASE KINDLY ASSESS MY WRITING TASK 1 - THREE TYPES OF CRIME

[hollanda]

The chart below shows the changes that took place in three different areas of crime in Newport city center from 2003-2012.
The line graph compares the numbers of three separate types of crime, including burglary, car theft and robbery, which happened in Newport city center between 2003 and 2012.
Overall, the numbers of car theft incidents and robbery incidents were fairly stable over the 10-year period, while that of burglary decreased dramatically. In addition, robbery was the least popular type of crime during all the time surveyed.
In 2003, there were nearly 3500 cases of burglary reported, while the figures for car theft and robbery were lower, at about 2800 and 650 cases respectively. After a slight increase in 2004, the number of burglary incidents fell significantly, reaching its lowest point in 2008, at approximately 600 incidents. Similarly, the number of robbery cases also fell to its lowest point in 2008, at exactly 500 cases after a minor rise in 2005. By contrast, case theft crimes remained nearly unchanged from 2003 to 2005 before falling in 2006. The figure for 2008 was above 2000 cases.
In 2012, there was an increase in the number of car theft cases, peaking at nearly 2900 cases. Burglary and robbery incidents were fairly stable between 2008 and 2012. The figures at the end of the time surveyed were about 1400 and 600 cases, respectively.

[sebastian]

Hi!

This is arguably one of the few places where my nitpicking's well received:

The chart below shows the changes that took place in three different areas of crime in Newport city center from 2003-2012.
The line graph compares the numbers of three separate types of crime, including burglary, car theft and robbery, which happened in Newport city center between 2003 and 2012.

Isn't that just the same information twice? Moreover, I'd suggest you switched 'including burglary...' for 'namely burglary...' since you're mentioning all three, not mere examples.

Overall, the numbers of car theft incidents and robbery incidents were fairly stable over the 10-year period, while that of burglary decreased dramatically.

Plural vs singular.

By contrast, case theft crimes remained nearly unchanged

Missing word between 'case' and 'theft.'

All in all, you explain the graph quite well but the vocabulary's too recurring at some points (how many times did you use the words 'crime' and 'cases'?). Try spicing it up with some synonyms and different grammatical forms.

[hollanda]

Hi Sebastian, thank you so much for your kind reply.
The first sentence: The chart below shows the changes that took place in three different areas of crime in Newport city center from 2003-2012. is the topic sentence, not mine. I should have left a blank line there.
I understand that my report is very poor in vocabulary. Can you suggest me other phrases to use instead of case and crime.
Thank you.

[sebastian]

I wouldn't call it 'poor', it's just in the process of developing further.

A version with some suggested modifications:

The line graph compares the numbers of three separate types of crime, including burglary, car theft and robbery, which happened in Newport city center between 2003 and 2012.
Overall, incidents of both car theft and robbery were fairly stable over the 10-year period, while those of burglary decreased dramatically. In addition, robbery was the least popular type of crime during all the time surveyed.
In 2003, there were nearly 3500 cases of burglary reported, while the figures for car theft and robbery were lower, at about 2,800 and 650 respectively. After a slight increase in 2004, instances of burglary fell significantly, reaching their lowest point in 2008, at approximately 600. Similarly, robbery also fell to its lowest point in 2008, at exactly 500 cases after a minor rise in 2005. By contrast, car theft misconducts remained nearly unchanged from 2003 to 2005 before falling in 2006. The figure for 2008 was above 2,000 cases.
In 2012, there was an increase in the number of car theft activities, peaking at nearly 2,900. Burglary and robbery trespasses were fairly stable between 2008 and 2012. The figures at the end of the time surveyed were about 1400 and 600 events, respectively.

[hollanda]

Hi Sebastian,

Thanks again for your kind reply. I just want to ask, is it possible to say "incidents of car theft were fairly stable during..."? I thought it is the number that is stable, incidents or car theft itself don't have trend. Therefore I always add number before them just to be safe. Am I wrong?

[sebastian]

Yes, spot on. My mistake