Please critique my essay and let me know about my approximate band score

[abbasazarmehrput]

Todays more people are travelling ever before.
Why is this the case?
What are the benefits of travelling for the traveller?

Nowadays, the number of holidaymakers visiting different parts of the world is swelling. It is believed that low air fare and high salary paid to people could be the main contributors to this phenomenon. Advantages of making a trip will also be elaborated in this essay.

Firstly, cheap flights and a huge sum of money received by people could be contributing factors to the increased number of travelling. There are many airlines offering reasonably-priced flights to the different parts of the world. For example, the number of Iranian tourists who visits foreign countries has risen dramatically because many national and international agencies offer tour packages including direct cheap flight from Tehran to international destinations. Thus, more Iranians are encouraged to travel abroad compared to a decade ago. Additionally, people receive huge amounts of money enabling them to afford the cost of travelling within their own countries and overseas. These two factors could be the reasons behind the popularity of travelling among people.

Travelling has many plus points. For instance, holidaymakers who come to Iran visit different parts of Iran and would be familiarised with Iranian cultural heritage like Persepolis. This helps them to learn about conventions and time-honoured traditions of Iranian people dated back to 2500 years ago. In addition to this, vacationers learn the language of the target country which could be helpful when they are required to ask questions and get directions from local residents. These two benefits could be the main advantages of making a trip.

To sum up, cheap flight tickets which can be purchased from national and international agencies are the main reasons behind the increased number of journeys. Visiting international world heritage and learning the host country’s language could be the two most key positive ramifications of travelling.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!
Basically, I think that this is a good essay. I suggest being a little careful with some phrasing, for example ...
1. I'm not sure about the 'huge' income aspect. If flights are relatively cheap (as you correctly say), then a huge income is not necessary.
2. I'm not sure what proportion of tourists learn the language of the country they visit, but I suspect that it is relatively low. People are unlikely to learn more than a few phrases when they are going to a foreign country for a couple of weeks or less.
Still, grammar and vocabulary are good and the basic ideas are fine.
All the best,
David