Essay on People Heath. Please Grade(GT)

[prathap]

Many countries , people have health problem because of unhealthy lifestyle nowadays. Discuss about why you think those health problems are happened. Give the solution to this problem.
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Nowadays, most of the countries are concerned about their citizens lifestyle. Though governments are spreading awareness programs and danger bells, people are not following healthy lifestyle. There are many reasons and solutions for this phenomenon which are elaborated in the below writings.

To begin with, The reasons behind this scenario are many. Firstly, in today's competitive world, individuals are working harder to reach their goals. This led to spend more time in office or front of a computer which does not require physical activities. This causes to spend less time on other day to day actions. For example, many surveys conducted by health care organizations proved that people are getting fatter due to lack of recreational activities. Secondly, the food habits of dwellers has changed drastically in recent decades. Many individuals are having their food from fast-food centers which contains high amount of fat. Therefore, taking fat content items without proper physical strain is causing server health issues.

However, there are huge number of options to keep people healthy. Firstly, governments and companies should encourage the individuals to participate in sports or games which requires a physical strain by constructing free recreation centers. Therefore, more people could show interest and make themselves physically fit. Secondly, government should impose high taxes on food or drink items which causes people unhealthy. For example, in some nations, the tax on alcohol and tobacco products are at peak. This tax system should be extended to other food products which contains extreme amount of fat.

To sum up, People should think that their health is most important than other responsibilities. Every individual should spend some time every day to do some activities which keeps them healthy. A government should provide necessary infrastructure for their citizens.

[durai]

Hi Prathap,

it seems 6.5 to 7 band to me.

let me explain

TR: band 7 , you essay is perfect to understand, but your examples are not extended, if you well-extend your discussion , then yiu may score high from TR

CC: band 7, there is logical flow, occasional, word choices and grammar are erroneous

LR: between, band 6 and 7.....word choice and spelling mistakes( severe, you wrote "server" instead of programmes "programs"

GR & A: band 6, you haven't that many complex structures, for band 7, you need show mix of both simple and complex patterns
try to use some dependent , independent clauses, or adverbial clause , relative clause, noun clause

check this weblink;


http://www.ieltsbuddy.com/ielts-grammar.html

[prathap]

Thank you durai for your inputs.. I have posted some other essays. Could you please review them as well.